buyer's remorse

i never thought i would say this...

i'm not thrilled with the tattoo i got last night.

i have been planning this tattoo for almost 2 years. i had an idea that i wanted it to look like.

i drew it and re-drew it. i spent hours perfecting the design. the drawing above it what i took to the tattooer.

when i showed up for the appointment last night he had removed the cross and many of the flourishes and replaced them with a rose on the skull's forehead.

so i asked him to change those elements back. i checked the spelling of deuteronomy, but sadly i didn't look at the verse's address. i failed to notice that he had a dash where there should have been a colon.

now that is all i see.

i am so disappointed in myself for failing to notice that very important detail.

i hope the tattooer and i can find a way to fix the error. i feel like such an idiot right now.

struggle

i'm struggling right now. i don't know who to talk to about it. i don't want to burden my husband with an emotional situation he can't fix or help.

i'm in limbo and limbo feels a lot like rejection.

i know i'm weird and more than many people like to deal with regularly. i used to have friends that made time for me. friends that included me. now people tell me, that i'm "cool,"or fun, or interesting; that they love to hang out with me, but then no one wants to hang out. i see photos and foursquare check-ins on facebook, so i know they are hanging out with each other. i know they're not that busy.

maybe its because we're trying to move. people are letting us fade away instead of ripping off the band-aid when we actually sell the house.

maybe its because most of my friends are from our old church. maybe they've moved on and i'm missing the social cues.

whatever it is, lately i have been overcompensating. talking too much, trying too hard to be witty or funny.

its not working.

i'm totally content when i'm out in the yard or out for a walk with the kids. i tell myself that i don't need anyone to hang out with, but (honestly) i want people to make the time. of course my best friend still makes time for me, but she's moving in a month and i'm a little scared to be without her. we only get to see each other once a week at the most, but just knowing that she wants to hang out with me means a lot.

this stuff is no big deal, but i can't seem to see the great things happening with this plank in my eye. i just feel bored and out of sorts and whiny.

so many wonderful things are going on in my life, and i don't want to be grumpy because i can feel it stunt my spiritual life.
i need to re-center. i need to dive into the Word and not come up for air.

now, to actually make myself open The Book...

new day, new dream

this process, of putting the house on the market and potentially moving our family 9 hours north, has resulted in a few changes around our house.
firstly, i packed up most of our technology. all that's left is the computer, the Wii, & one TV. so this lady, who used to watch 4-6 hours of tv a day, now watches none.

now my husband and i spend every evening talking and reading. (right now he's reading "Quitter" by John Acuff and i'm reading "48 Days to the Work You Love" by Dan Miller.)

the past week of talking has sparked a dream in my heart.

hubs and i have always talked about him staying home to focus full time on his art, like he did before we had kids. with our youngest rapidly approaching school age it seems to be getting close to that time!
there are a few things that need to be accomplished before i can be comfortable with that actually happening.
they are:

1. all of our debt (just student loans remain) must be paid off.
2. we need to have the entire family covered by health insurance.
3. we need to be able to meet all of our financial obligations & our personal financial goals                    (retirement, etc.) without his income.
4. he needs to be creating & selling what he makes so that the art funds the art.

suddenly all of these things seem possible, *if*

*if* our house sells,
*if* i find a preschool i like for the little one,
*if* i find a full time job that pays 2x the minimum wage,
*if* hubs finds a para job,
*if* we find a live-able house for $30,000 or less to fix up while we live in it,
& *if* we can get a loan for such a tiny amount of money

then we move to minnesota,
then i start work and hubs watches the kids until the school year starts,
then we put his entire paycheck towards our debt & knock them out in 12 months,
then we pay off the house in 2 years,
.... then we purchase a house for around $70,000 and turn the paid off house into a rental.

i know that is a lot of ifs, but the whole scenario puts such a fire in my belly that i want to jump up and down!

none of these things will be possible without God's direct involvement. He will be the reason our house sells or doesn't. He will be the reason we get jobs or don't. our hard work and perseverance is a result of our relationships with Him and the maturity we have developed as a result.

nothing good that has happened to us thus far has come from us, and nothing good that will happen in the future will come from us. ALL OF IT IS A GIFT FROM GOD.

the hubs found this on pinterest the other day and i feel like it perfectly exemplifies where we are in our marriage and in our life right now.

(i don't know who created this image but i found it at http://beautysoflife.wordpress.com/)

i just want to leap out into the unknown and do things that i am proud of. i want my kids to see their parents follow God, work, create, and laugh together. i want my kids to chase their dreams and do the work it takes to call themselves a Disciple of Christ. i feel like this phase of my life is bursting with possibilities and i thank God for that hope.

to work or not to work. that is the question.

as usual, his focus is on our family's financial well-being. and as usual, my focus is on quality of life.

the reality is that paraprofessionals provide vital student support at half the pay of a teacher. a person could make the same amount of money by working at target. (but it wouldn't be as rewarding & it wouldn't be benefiting a child)

so we are back to the same discussion we fall into about every 3 years. why don't i go back to work?

the truth is that i am working. i care for other people's children while being in charge of and responsible for every single thing that needs to be done around the house (with the exception of mowing & trimming the yard). that means groceries, cooking, laundry, cleaning, bill paying, trash, recycling, child care, home maintenance, & keeping up with the spreadsheets and paperwork required to be a legitimate daycare provider.

this is the agreement we came to when i was about to give birth to our youngest. this is the small cost of being home with my kids as much as possible.

it is well known in our household that my earning power greatly exceeds my husband's. i have skills that he neither possesses, nor wishes to learn.

do not misunderstand me - my husband is a gifted educator, and a hard worker. i have never met anyone else with his capacity to relate to others, bring out their best, and meet the goals set out in the student's IEP (and his employers feel the same).

so, we have made the decision to live on what a para makes in order for our children to be with their parents only until school. but every so often our financial situation blurs that goal.

the trouble is that our december baby doesn't meet the requirements for kindergarten for another school year.

so begins the discussion, "i saw a job that would be perfect for you."
          "But what would we do with the little one?"
          "i don't know, but it pays $32,000 a year! we'd figure something out."
          "why can't i just keep doing what i'm doing up there?"
          "i could stay home with her."
          "if you stay home with her, you would have to take over doing everything i do now, because i'm not going to work all day and come home to do all of this stuff, too."

and round and round we go. off and on for weeks at a time. division of labor is a tough thing to work out. i'm so glad we are at least getting better at the discussion (it used to be an argument, but now we can talk it through).

this time around i have negotiated a 6 week time frame, from when the house sells, for me to find a nannying job before i have to accept a higher paying full time job. if i take the full time job, he will take over the household responsibilities. he is not thrilled about taking care of sick kiddos and everything else, but he likes the idea of making more than we make now from a single income.

it will be interesting to see how all of this pans out, assuming that the house sells.

i always wonder how other families work out the division of labor or decide whether to go to work or not, but i'm afraid that if i ask the discussion will become "stay-at-home vs. working mom" and that is a lose/lose conversation.

doubt

allow me a moment to process this situation.

when i think of Minnesota i think of mosquitoes and catching walleye &  northern pike. i think of hiking gooseberry falls and jumping off of cliffs into lakes formed in deep rock quarries. i think of Bible camp and the relationship with God that can bloom there. i think of a church where we could make a difference. i think of snow forts, skiing, shoveling, & snowball fights. i think of days on the beach watching people surf in wetsuits in July because the water is still that cold. i think of hunting turkeys with my husband while our kids enjoy a weekend at their grandparents' house. i think of fire in the fireplace, taking a road trip to see the fall colors change, eagles & moose, and the wolves on Isle Royale. i think of starting my career. i think of wilderness and hard work and weekends spent with my in-laws.

when i think of Missouri i think of 100 degree summers; winters with no snow where i'm surrounded by the ugly brown of dormancy and mud. i think of how sick i feel when i get overheated. i think of my mother's surprise visits and her boyfriend. i think of running into people from high school every time i go to target. i think of my church and how love it and wish i had found it 5 years ago. i think of my house and my yard and how much i love them. i think of being near to my grandparents and how much i love them. i think of how nasty the lakes are around here and how i would never swim in them.

i have no idea if my ideas of Minnesota are what it will be like to live there. i know i could make life in Missouri more fun and tolerable. i could make my church into a home and build relationships with wonderful people who want to be more of what God wants for them.

i don't know what to do. i'm confused and unsettled and so is my husband. but this is what i do know:

"And my God will meet all of your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19

"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in You." Isaiah 26:3

"If you remain in Me and My Words remain in you, ask whatever you wish and it will be given you." John 15:7

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything - by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving - present your requests to God. and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

so we'll keep praying and studying and moving forward toward Peace.

heart

i hope you can hear this post for what i mean it to say and please don't feel judged. your life is up to you - this blog is about my life only.

i love movies and i LOVE to read.
i know that i have seen movies that are not good for my heart. i know i have read books that have disrupted my walk with God.
however. in the last year i have felt myself called to be weirder than usual. a verse has repeatedly come to mind.

Proverbs 4:23 "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."

i feel like this has specifically been aimed at me, and specifically about what i read and watch.

there are things i aim to cultivate in my life: 1) contentment, 2) joy, 3) peace.

i am content with my husband, my kids, my house, my clothes, my life. but it takes work. it means that sometimes i unfriend people who inspire jealousy, so that i don't forget how blessed i am. it means i don't look at other people or their husbands in a way that would make me wish my husband acted or looked different. (it means i don't watch Magic Mike, or chick flicks, or read 50 shades of grey, or romance novels.)

it means i work with Christian people i respect to come up with Godly strategies to eliminate anger from my life so i can live in peace with people who create drama.

really, i am a spiritual farmer. i work hard everyday to cultivate the fruit i want to harvest. contentment, joy, and peace don't just show up. i have to ask God for them, but i have to be willing to do what He asks me to do in order to get them.

10 things i wish i knew 10 years ago

ten years ago i was a 19 year old junior in college very seriously dating the man i would end up marrying in the summer.

here are a few things i wish i had known or known about when i look back on those years:

1. 20 year olds know next to nothing about how life works, but idealism and hope can get you through a lot.
2. there are these things called drain zippers that will drastically cut down on the number of times you have to call the landlord to unclog the shower drain.
3. not caring what people think does not mean you can be a confrontational little punk.
4. cleaning the apartment will help you feel less stressed and/because people will actually come visit you.
5. its okay to be wrong - being willing to admit your wrong will actually give you credibility in most situations.
6. credit cards can get you into a lot of trouble if you don't have the income to pay them off. also, STOP buying crap with your credit cards, you are just going to send it to the thrift store 10 years from now.
7. you have little to no control over when and how many babies you have. embrace that fact and stop worrying.
8. once you stop trying to spend as much money as your friends you will be MUCH happier with your life.
9. if you're going to get a cat, get a self-cleaning litter box.
10. embrace your weirdness. once you do, you're happiness will grow exponentially.

i could probably add 100 more things to this list, but i really think that if i had known these things i would have had an easier time in my twenties. what do you wish you had known 10 years ago?