6) what is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
this question seems almost impossible to answer. who has not been through hard things? at the time didn't they all seem like the hardest thing you had been through?
in order to give some kind of answer, i will say my miscarriages. i lump them into one thing because they occurred within a 6 month period. the pain from the first one blurred into the second one and swallowed my life for over a year.
up to the moment my youngest daughter was born i was convinced that i would never have another live birth.
i allowed the differences in perspective between my husband and i to become a wedge in our marriage for years.
i have blogged extensively about this before, so i'll leave it at that.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Thursday, June 7, 2012
5 out of 30
5) what are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?
- my kids
- my relationship with my husband
- my friends
- my dog
- my church
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
4 out of 30
4) list 10 things you would tell your 16 year old self if you could
- the world will not come crashing down if you fail.
- yelling and at and arguing with people does not prove that you are tough, strong, or brave.
- you are not the only virgin in high school.
- you are good enough to be friends with the popular people.
- you are good enough to try out for a solo.
- your brothers will be alright.
- college will be even better than you imagine.
- drinking will not make things better, and it will be boring before you can do it legally.
- in a few years (, days, minutes...) you're going to be really glad you didn't do anything with those boys. they aren't worth your heart or self-respect.
- difficult times are just an opportunity to re-align your priorities and make sure you are on your right path.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
3 out of 30
3) describe your relationship with your parents
well, this is a bit of a complicated topic and will require some historical info. my relationship with my parents today is much different than when i was a little girl. (that's not unusual, i know.)
from as early as i remember i have felt loved by my parents. i know they did their best raising me, and i have a greater amount of respect for them now that i am a parent myself.
that being said, we have not enjoyed much of a happy relationship. my father and i are close now, but it has taken years of hard work on both our parts to get to this point.
my mother and i struggle. i mentioned in my last post that my mother is an un-medicated bi-polar. she was diagnosed as manic depressive (the old school term for it) when i was ten, and then was on meds until i graduated high school.
when i was little i understood that i was very important to my family. my mother always talked about how she had longed for a third child for years before my father acquiesced. she made it clear that what i did throughout the day either made her day, or crushed her.
when i was 5 she threatened to commit suicide. my father took the only sick day of his 34 year railroad career. at the end of the situation she told me that the only reason she was not going to kill herself was because of me.
it is probable that these types of situations are why i was baptized at 6 years old, with a complete understanding (albeit at a six year old's level) of what i was doing and why.
i had no idea how to process this type of pressure. as i got older everything i did was to keep the peace and keep her happy. i mediated conversations, situations, and my fathers intentions. i was home schooled for 3 years and when my older brothers got home from school i would meet them outside and tell them what kind of day mom was having so they would know how to act around her. i took it upon myself to put a pill in her coffee or tea when i noticed that she skipped one.
she did not beat me like she did my brothers. there were only a handful of times when she lost it with me; one time throwing a pair of roller skates at me, another spanking me with a paddle until i wet my pants, smacking me when i flinched.
she hated my father, and even though they are still married, she still does. she talked to me constantly about their relationship and how horrible he was. by the time i was ten i thought he was a stupid, insensitive, jerk.
my brothers and i learned that anger is resolved through violence, and so we fought ferociously despite the 6 year age difference. i rarely told on them though, because watching them be punished was much worse than being beaten up by them.
10 years ago i met my husband and my world began to change. hundreds of conversations lasting well into the night led to (our marriage, but also...) a change in my view of my parents. i began to see that my mother did not have appropriate boundaries with me as a child. i should not have been responsible for her emotional state or weather or not she killed herself. sometimes i think God sent him to me specifically to end the generational cycle of abuse.
i love my mother, God loves my mother, God uses her to work in other people's lives. BUT, the more i grow as a mother and as a Christian, the less we are able to co-exist happily. she desperately wants me to be with her everyday and oversteps her bounds with my children at every opportunity. honestly, sometimes i am afraid she will try to run away with them. i absolutely HAVE TO have boundaries for the sake of my children. she perceives boundaries as messages of hate and disdain. she constantly accuses me of manipulating her, lying, and hating her.
i don't like having to talk to my kids or my nieces about what their grandma meant when she said she was going to go home and kill herself. i do not want them to have to deal with the emotions that come from that threat. but i also don't want to continue apologising for her. at some point (even though she is mentally ill) i want her to take responsibility for her actions and get help.
taking personal responsibility is very important to me, now. one of the most important turning points in my relationship with my father was when he apologized to me. he apologized for not having the guts to step in when he knew things were not good at home. he is a wonderful grandpa and we talk every few days about anything and everything.
writing this post has been exhausting. i spend most of my time consumed with my own blessings (lovely little girls and wonderful husband) and very little time thinking about the negatives in my childhood; until i'm confronted with it through because of a bad day, a neighbor or someone at the store hitting their kid. then it comes crashing down on me like a stack of bricks.
well, this is a bit of a complicated topic and will require some historical info. my relationship with my parents today is much different than when i was a little girl. (that's not unusual, i know.)
from as early as i remember i have felt loved by my parents. i know they did their best raising me, and i have a greater amount of respect for them now that i am a parent myself.
that being said, we have not enjoyed much of a happy relationship. my father and i are close now, but it has taken years of hard work on both our parts to get to this point.
my mother and i struggle. i mentioned in my last post that my mother is an un-medicated bi-polar. she was diagnosed as manic depressive (the old school term for it) when i was ten, and then was on meds until i graduated high school.
when i was little i understood that i was very important to my family. my mother always talked about how she had longed for a third child for years before my father acquiesced. she made it clear that what i did throughout the day either made her day, or crushed her.
when i was 5 she threatened to commit suicide. my father took the only sick day of his 34 year railroad career. at the end of the situation she told me that the only reason she was not going to kill herself was because of me.
it is probable that these types of situations are why i was baptized at 6 years old, with a complete understanding (albeit at a six year old's level) of what i was doing and why.
i had no idea how to process this type of pressure. as i got older everything i did was to keep the peace and keep her happy. i mediated conversations, situations, and my fathers intentions. i was home schooled for 3 years and when my older brothers got home from school i would meet them outside and tell them what kind of day mom was having so they would know how to act around her. i took it upon myself to put a pill in her coffee or tea when i noticed that she skipped one.
she did not beat me like she did my brothers. there were only a handful of times when she lost it with me; one time throwing a pair of roller skates at me, another spanking me with a paddle until i wet my pants, smacking me when i flinched.
she hated my father, and even though they are still married, she still does. she talked to me constantly about their relationship and how horrible he was. by the time i was ten i thought he was a stupid, insensitive, jerk.
my brothers and i learned that anger is resolved through violence, and so we fought ferociously despite the 6 year age difference. i rarely told on them though, because watching them be punished was much worse than being beaten up by them.
10 years ago i met my husband and my world began to change. hundreds of conversations lasting well into the night led to (our marriage, but also...) a change in my view of my parents. i began to see that my mother did not have appropriate boundaries with me as a child. i should not have been responsible for her emotional state or weather or not she killed herself. sometimes i think God sent him to me specifically to end the generational cycle of abuse.
i love my mother, God loves my mother, God uses her to work in other people's lives. BUT, the more i grow as a mother and as a Christian, the less we are able to co-exist happily. she desperately wants me to be with her everyday and oversteps her bounds with my children at every opportunity. honestly, sometimes i am afraid she will try to run away with them. i absolutely HAVE TO have boundaries for the sake of my children. she perceives boundaries as messages of hate and disdain. she constantly accuses me of manipulating her, lying, and hating her.
i don't like having to talk to my kids or my nieces about what their grandma meant when she said she was going to go home and kill herself. i do not want them to have to deal with the emotions that come from that threat. but i also don't want to continue apologising for her. at some point (even though she is mentally ill) i want her to take responsibility for her actions and get help.
taking personal responsibility is very important to me, now. one of the most important turning points in my relationship with my father was when he apologized to me. he apologized for not having the guts to step in when he knew things were not good at home. he is a wonderful grandpa and we talk every few days about anything and everything.
writing this post has been exhausting. i spend most of my time consumed with my own blessings (lovely little girls and wonderful husband) and very little time thinking about the negatives in my childhood; until i'm confronted with it through because of a bad day, a neighbor or someone at the store hitting their kid. then it comes crashing down on me like a stack of bricks.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
2 out of 30
2) Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
i'm not really sure what would make a fear legitimate since i've not had many bad things happen to me, but here goes.
1. i'm terrified of being kidnapped (and the horrors i imagine would follow.) i don't think this is irrational or uncommon. it may explain my penchant for carrying knives and/or other weapons and why i recently started taking karate.
2. i'm afraid i'll do something stupid (like while hiking or canoeing) go into a coma and bankrupt my family because i don't have medical insurance. after typing this i really wish i had insurance because that just seems WAY too plausible.
3. i'm afraid of becoming a bad wife/mother/person. i'm afraid that at some point i will get tired of making an effort, succumb to my baser self, and not care that i disappoint or crush my husband and kids and God.
so far none of these have changed the way i live my life, for better or worse. i still hike (but when i can afford it i will have insurance), i don't avoid certain parts of town (i do keep my eyes open and trust my instincts, i'm not an idiot), and i continue to strive toward being who God wants me to be.
i'm not really sure what would make a fear legitimate since i've not had many bad things happen to me, but here goes.
1. i'm terrified of being kidnapped (and the horrors i imagine would follow.) i don't think this is irrational or uncommon. it may explain my penchant for carrying knives and/or other weapons and why i recently started taking karate.
2. i'm afraid i'll do something stupid (like while hiking or canoeing) go into a coma and bankrupt my family because i don't have medical insurance. after typing this i really wish i had insurance because that just seems WAY too plausible.
3. i'm afraid of becoming a bad wife/mother/person. i'm afraid that at some point i will get tired of making an effort, succumb to my baser self, and not care that i disappoint or crush my husband and kids and God.
so far none of these have changed the way i live my life, for better or worse. i still hike (but when i can afford it i will have insurance), i don't avoid certain parts of town (i do keep my eyes open and trust my instincts, i'm not an idiot), and i continue to strive toward being who God wants me to be.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
1 out of 30
so obviously i've not been blogging lately (you know, since march). so i found this list and decided to run with it.
1) list 20 random facts about yourself.
1. i really enjoy physical labor (roofing, building things, etc.)
2. i love art; looking at it or making it. its all good.
3. my mother is bi-polar and currently unmedicated
4. i love to watch competitive fights (MMA, boxing type stuff)
5. TV and eating are my coping mechanisms
6. i love hiking and being outside
7. i don't like direct sun; it hurts my eyes and head.
8. i love tattoos and would have a million, but i don't want them anywhere but my arms.
9. i have tried to learn the trumpet, flute, piano, but none successfully.
10. i don't care if people don't like me as long as i like who i am being.
11. i believe that my husband is the authority in my family.
12. i seriously love animals. i would have a million if i could afford them.
13. i love to read
14. i thought i would have more kids, but after losing 2 babies i'm terrified of getting pregnant.
15. i work very hard to avoid whatever might decrease my contentment with my life.
16. i hate poison ivy and even the thought of it makes my skin crawl.
17. if someone hurts me on purpose, i will drop them from my life if at all possible
18. i would like to someday adopt or do foster care because i believe every kid deserves to be loved.
19. i plan to someday be a college professor.
20. i think i would eat chinese food everyday if i could
1) list 20 random facts about yourself.
1. i really enjoy physical labor (roofing, building things, etc.)
2. i love art; looking at it or making it. its all good.
3. my mother is bi-polar and currently unmedicated
4. i love to watch competitive fights (MMA, boxing type stuff)
5. TV and eating are my coping mechanisms
6. i love hiking and being outside
7. i don't like direct sun; it hurts my eyes and head.
8. i love tattoos and would have a million, but i don't want them anywhere but my arms.
9. i have tried to learn the trumpet, flute, piano, but none successfully.
10. i don't care if people don't like me as long as i like who i am being.
11. i believe that my husband is the authority in my family.
12. i seriously love animals. i would have a million if i could afford them.
13. i love to read
14. i thought i would have more kids, but after losing 2 babies i'm terrified of getting pregnant.
15. i work very hard to avoid whatever might decrease my contentment with my life.
16. i hate poison ivy and even the thought of it makes my skin crawl.
17. if someone hurts me on purpose, i will drop them from my life if at all possible
18. i would like to someday adopt or do foster care because i believe every kid deserves to be loved.
19. i plan to someday be a college professor.
20. i think i would eat chinese food everyday if i could
30 things
so obviously i've not been blogging lately (you know, since march). so i found this list and decided to run with it.
30 Things
the list
1. List 20 random facts about yourself.
2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
3. Describe your relationship with your parents.
4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.
5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?
6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
7. What is your dream job, and why?
8. What are 5 passions you have?
9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.
10. Describe your most embarrassing moment.
11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.
12. Describe a typical day in your current life.
13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have.
14. Describe 5 strengths you have.
15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?
17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?
19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?
20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.
21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?
22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
23. List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.
24. Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.
25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?
28. What is your love language?
29. What do you think people misundertand most about you?
30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for.
30 Things
the list
1. List 20 random facts about yourself.
2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
3. Describe your relationship with your parents.
4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.
5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?
6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
7. What is your dream job, and why?
8. What are 5 passions you have?
9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.
10. Describe your most embarrassing moment.
11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.
12. Describe a typical day in your current life.
13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have.
14. Describe 5 strengths you have.
15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?
17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?
19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?
20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.
21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?
22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
23. List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.
24. Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.
25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?
28. What is your love language?
29. What do you think people misundertand most about you?
30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for.
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