love it!

a few things i love right now.

making earrings

painting on t-shirts

babysitting the sweet little guy i'm in charge of

my husband

sleeping under blankets with the windows open

make-up

anything pumpkin

life feels exciting right now. i love this season. i love earning a living without giving up homemaking. i love the sense of teamwork between my husband and me right now.

and yet... i feel like i'm missing something right now. everything is going well, but my mind is not quite right. i'm yelling at the girls a little too often. i'm watching a little too much TV. i'm a little too selfish.

when times are good, i need to pull closer to God; instead i'm trying to go under my own power, which is not enough even when things are easy.

i am determined to stop this backward slide. things are good because of God. He deserves the glory for this peaceful time in our lives.

Psalm 19:1-4 & 14

The heavens declare the glory of God;
the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
Day after day they pour forth speech;
night after night they display knowledge.
There is no speech or language
where their voice is not heard.^[a]
Their voice^[b] goes out into all the earth,
their words to the ends of the world...

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing in your sight,
O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.

moving on

i'm in such a weird place right now. my mind is split in two directions: future and present.

we have decided to move north to a different city. we know it will take 18-24 months before we can do it, but our minds are made up.

i started a new job this summer, and i will be working my behind off to earn enough for the move (& our 10th anniversary trip & my 30th birthday).

we have lined up a buyer for our house, but it has to wait until our contract for the first-time homebuyer credit us up (15 months from now.)

BUT...

the friends i have here are some of the best (if not THE best) i've had in my life.

i love these friends; i'm not looking forward to trying to make new ones. i love this life i have here. i'm very happy. so i'm mentally living in both places.

we are nomadic by nature. this is the absolute longest we have lived anywhere, and i'm ready for a change. ready to start over. ready to leave my family drama behind and live closer to my husband's family. ready for my kids to live close to the wild our God created, and be a little wilder ourselves.

the plan is that when we get there my husband and i both work at jobs in the education field. that way we work during the school year when the weather is bad, and play with our kids when the weather is great. we plan to spend more time with my husband's parents and have reliable care for the girls when we want to have time together.

in the meantime i am trying to earn an income and live-it-up for the next year and a half until we can arrange to move.

the one thing i do not want to do is disconnect from this group of friends before we move (or ever, for that matter).

so, here's to the next move.

changes

it is amazing how easy it is to start relying on a person. how quickly you become dependent on the comfort and love that you feel.

then when it is taken away, or diminished, the feelings that arise are powerful.

my father is afraid to hang out with me for fear of my mother's wrath.

i have already "lost" my oldest brother to his fear of his wife. it is hard to fight back the anger that i may "lose" my father as well.

what is it about those women that paralyzes these men.

i tell myself, "its fine. i don't need them." but i want my dad and my brother to choose to spend time with me regardless of the consequences.

i want to yell and whine and cry and beg, but its useless. they are who they are and i cannot change anyone but myself. so, once again i will cut my heart out of the equation and choose to be satisfied with my one brother and his family, my husband and daughters, and (my chosen family) my friends.

Gratituesday

people have said to me, "you're so strong. i could never do that." "i don't know how you tell her no." "you did that by yourself? i'm not that strong."

i feel strong.

i feel like i could persevere through whatever is coming.

where does this strength come from? certainly not from me. i was not brought up to be a strong woman; at least not one with real strength.

the womanhood modeled for me was a blustery woman who never admitted fault or weakness. a woman who didn't need a man because they would just end up letting her down. a woman who hit others when frustrated or exasperated. these are the women in my family. the ones who believe that unless their strength was visible through violence or competitive drinking, it wasn't there.

the strength i long for is quiet. it is patient and kind; it doesn't envy or boast. it isn't rude or easily angered. it doesn't keep track of what wrongs have been done. it always trusts, hopes, and perseveres*. in other words it is love. God's Love.

it takes real, unconditional love to be strong. God's love going into a person, and being channeled to those around.

it takes love for my children to tell them "no" and set up boundaries for them and the people surrounding them.

it takes love to keep myself from talking about others.

it takes love to give the benefit of the doubt to someone, again.

it takes both love for God and an understanding of God's love for others.

so understand that my strength, whether it is the strength in my back and arms, the strength of my mind, or the strength in my heart, it is not of me or from me. it is from God through His love. And i thank Him.

*roughly 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Join us for Gratituesday at Heavenly Homemakers!

my grandpa

My grandpa is a rancher. he has always been a rancher. he has worked cattle for most of his life.

he is the youngest of 12 kids, and at 83 he still has 2 living sisters (both in their 90s).

when he was 16 he lied about his age in order to enlist in the Navy. the Navy found out 6 months later, but he was already in the pacific fighting the Japanese. by the time they sent him home he was 18, so he enlisted in the army and kept fighting.

he lived in colorado and nebraska all his life, except these last 4 years.

every summer i would get to go visit for a few weeks and ride horses and work cattle and go to rodeos. he taught me to drive a stick-shift in the middle of the sandhills of nebraska. he showed me how to spot antelope, rattlesnakes, coyotes, and worthless men. he taught me what to look for in a dog. he showed me the beauty of the nebraska desert.

he married young. he describes himself as "no good" in his youth, and his first wife was an alcoholic. they had 8 kids before they divorced in the late 1960's. he married my grandma in 1971.
many of my best memories are at their house for summer and massive christmas dinners with my aunts, uncles, and cousins.

now they are getting older and many things are changing. my grandpa is aging gracefully. he is growing more efficient because he can't muscle things like he used to. he is such an inspiration to me. as i get older i want to gracefully acknowledge the things i can no longer do without being whiny or bitter.

Grandpa just got diagnosed with congestive heart failure (but he calls it "suggestive" heart failure). they moved to washington state several years ago because they couldn't handle nebraska's winters anymore. i wish they didn't live so far away. i wish my kids knew him better. i pray for his salvation; i desperately want to see him in heaven.

my grandpa doesn't think much of himself, and he does have flaws, but i think the world of him. i am so grateful for his influence on my life!

kids

babies are on my mind. many of my friends are still in the middle of their baby-making phase of life. i see babies and pregnant people everywhere!

i love babies.

i love bringing babies home from the hospital.

i love the first 3 months with a newborn! (seriously, its my favorite; running on adrenaline and getting to know a whole new person...)

i love the idea of being pregnant. the idea that a little person is being made inside of me.

but...

i have only had 2 successful pregnancies. i've only brought 2 babies home. my chances of bringing home another one is 30%.

i don't know if i'm going to have more kids. i am not in a place spiritually to hand my worries over to God if i were to get pregnant right now.

i know that if i were to become pregnant God would give me all the strength and peace i lack in order to have a blessed and happy pregnancy no matter the outcome. my fear and doubt has no effect on the situation. if God puts the desire in me and my husband's hearts to try for another baby i would try.

however, right now i am surrounded by kids i love who are being parented by people who love them. i am happy to be an aunt equivalent to those kiddos!

i really feel like my place right now is one of support. to support my kids, husband, friends, and my friends kids.

so, we'll see what happens. i am quite content with my life at this moment (Praise God for that!)

Mommy issues

i love my mother. i like who i am and i know she was the primary influence in the first several years of my life.

my mother is not well. she is bi-polar; she has always gone through phases of severe depression, and is usually very manic (even when depressed). she works very hard to keep people from seeing her illness. she changes churches, and rotates friends to keep people thinking that she is anything but an energetic, spontaneous, person victimized by others.

she is horrible at boundaries and is unable (or unwilling, i can't tell) to remember many conversations about her boundaries and behavior. for the sake of my children i need to limit their exposure to her.

our relationship is very challenging.

this leaves me wondering about something else:

how do i distance myself from my mother without using anger as my courage?

i've been thinking for so long that she is stubborn and refuses to change. i am angry that she refuses to do anything to make her life better. angry that she talks change constantly, but DOES nothing. the reality is that she IS STILL bi-polar. just because she hasn't taken meds in 15 years does not mean she is cured.

the challenge continues to be talking to her about all this. i don't want to hurt her, but my responsibility isn't to her. i need to do what is best for my kids.

lately this has gotten even more complicated. my mother has asked my father to leave their house. i am furious about this.

she talks about God all the time; she claims to be very close to Him.

her actions betray her mindset.

it is impossible to love God with all your heart and also be full of anger and hate, "because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires." (James 1:20)

for weeks she has not been allowed to have unsupervised contact with my children. now i want to deny her any contact, but i have been praying that God show me appropriate boundaries with her, and He says that's too far.

i am extremely frustrated by her and my parent's situation. the most infuriating part is that there is no end to her saga. she will never be better; their marriage will never be like my in-law's marriage; i will never be free of her negative influence.

i will have to watch my own children for signs mental illness because of our genetics.

i have absolutely no idea how to glorify God in this situation. my attitude is not in line with "honor your mother and father" and i don't yet want to be in that mindset. i know that my attitude is dishonoring God and i am so sorry.

Dear God,

Guide me. Show me how to honor my mother. Give me the power to be strong for my children, and gentle with my mother's heart. Remind me to be humble and to give her the benefit of the doubt. Thank you for continuing to love me even when i blatantly disobey your Word. Please give me the grace to glorify you in this, and every circumstance.

Amen