a brief history of me

i come from a functioning, dysfunctional, two-parent home.

my mother's side of the family is equally split in groups of farmers and cattle ranchers. there are 14 siblings (some of the step and half variations) of some very screwed up parents. nearly all of them are alcoholics, many of them use drugs to some degree. as a kid, i relished the time i got to spend with her siblings. they are fun, crazy, accepting (of me), and taught me anything i asked to learn.

my father's side are "city folk" and can seem way too religious. they are always seeing flaws. i did not see that side very much; i liked it that way. in the last couple of years i have gotten to know them better. they are not as bad as i thought.

my parents were super religious in their early days as a couple. my mother has hated my father for as long as i have known what hatred was, but their religious views have relaxed.

part of their religious relaxation came from my brothers having unexpected sons within 6 months of each other when i was in high school. my parents chose to love on my brothers, the girls, and subsequent babies, instead of focusing on the negative. i think that is probably one of the main reasons that i choose not to judge people.

i met my husband in college. we got married ten months after we started dating. we had a daughter almost 3 years later. i lost two babies. i miss my babies. i feel strongly bound to my grief. i am defined by my absent children at least as much as my living children. we had another daughter december 2008 (what a blessing from God!)

my husband's parents have been happily married for over 30 years. they are "hippie" preachers. i could never complain about them, since they have treated me like i was their kid from the beginning. my sister-in-law had cancer as a teen and pre-teen, now she is 30, lives at home, and doesn't date. she is very different from me. every issue is black and white; no wiggle room, or allowance for understanding.

my husband thinks about everything, he does not judge, most things are not important enough for him to care about. he is an amazing artist, an even more amazing father to our girls. he is the most infuriating, maddening person, and i am more in love than ever.