tattoos

i love a few of the shows on A&E. in particular i LOVE hoarders. there is something about that show that makes me look at myself. (i always end up cleaning after an episode, and getting rid of junk.)

in some ways i am a hoarder.

i don't hoard stuff. i hoard emotions and memories.

i hold on to memories, because i feel like they are responsible for getting me to who i am. i hold on to the emotions that the memories created. then i memorialize it by getting a tattoo.

i got my first tattoo when i was 18, single, was away at college, and had just bought my first vehicle. i felt strong, independent, and like the world was my oyster. i was attending a private christian college and i also wanted to rebel a little.

as you can see, the rebellion was tiny, because it is a silly one that i picked off the wall the minute i walked in the tattoo parlor.

i love the permanence of tattoos. much like our actions, they can never be erased and we choose weather they leave us uglier or more beautiful.

the next thing i wanted to hoard was love.

i never thought about getting married when i was younger. no plans for a dress or a guy, but when i met the guy who is now my husband i wanted to be with him until i died of old age. we decided to get married. while i love jewelery and how it looks, i never end up wearing much of it, so i decided to get a tattoo instead of a ring.

as a 20 year old getting the word "wife" tattooed on me in english seemed degrading, but in japanese it was beautiful. i still don't understand the logic, but i still love the tattoo.

a few years later my husband and is family lost a very close friend/mentor, and my faith was tested in seeing him very nearly crushed. this tattoo was not to memorialize an emotion i actually had, but instead to mark a permanent goal for my growth.

the verse states: "and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." i want to trust that when things happen (weather i would label them good or bad) God is working for my good, and for the good of everyone; it does not matter if i understand it or not.

a few years later that idea was tested when i had 2 miscarriages in less than a year.

that pain was so sharp, so demoralizing, it has changed me. after crawling thru the grief i saw the image of a swallow, and for me, it symbolized my return to my self and my babies rising to heaven.

i am in love with the beauty and strength that emerged from that period of my life. i feel like i am growing into myself. i am an individual, a wife, and a mother.

my latest tattoo is the japanese kanji for mother. it is mostly for my 2 living daughters and the honor i feel in being allowed to be their mother.

i have a multitude of ideas for future tattoos, but frankly i am running out of space in the areas i like to wear my tattoos. besides, the last 10 years have been so eventful, i feel like i need to save the space for what is to come.