Gratituesday

september 5th 2001 i started planning my suicide. i had been depressed for months and i felt i couldn't take it anymore. i was living with my parents and going to community college. there were so many logistics i wanted to work out for the sake of my parents, but really i was being selfish by giving up. i just couldn't imagine anything changing, ever.

less than a week later the twin towers fell and the reality of other people's loss snapped something in my mind back into place. i decided that i wanted to get help and i began seeing a counselor. we talked about everything and she encouraged me to make changes, one of which was a transfer to a christian college away from home the next semester.

all of a sudden it is ten years later and i am happily married, with 2 beautiful girls, and a life that i love.

today i am grateful for God's restoration. my heart has been restored. the Lord refills my spirit and gave me the strength to move forward. the Lord placed people in my life to bless and encourage me and guide me to this place.

it was not instantaneous. i know that it very well could have been instant, if my faith had allowed HIM to act with the power and speed He possesses. i am a slow learner. it took many many tries and infinite amounts of God's grace and forgiveness; and believe me i will continue to need grace and forgiveness until my last day on earth.

so, today i am blown away by and grateful for the effort God has put into giving me "life... to the full" (john 10:10).

Join us for Gratituesday at Heavenly Homemakers!

love it!

a few things i love right now.

making earrings

painting on t-shirts

babysitting the sweet little guy i'm in charge of

my husband

sleeping under blankets with the windows open

make-up

anything pumpkin

life feels exciting right now. i love this season. i love earning a living without giving up homemaking. i love the sense of teamwork between my husband and me right now.

and yet... i feel like i'm missing something right now. everything is going well, but my mind is not quite right. i'm yelling at the girls a little too often. i'm watching a little too much TV. i'm a little too selfish.

when times are good, i need to pull closer to God; instead i'm trying to go under my own power, which is not enough even when things are easy.

i am determined to stop this backward slide. things are good because of God. He deserves the glory for this peaceful time in our lives.

Psalm 19:1-4 & 14

The heavens declare the glory of God;
the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
Day after day they pour forth speech;
night after night they display knowledge.
There is no speech or language
where their voice is not heard.^[a]
Their voice^[b] goes out into all the earth,
their words to the ends of the world...

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing in your sight,
O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.

moving on

i'm in such a weird place right now. my mind is split in two directions: future and present.

we have decided to move north to a different city. we know it will take 18-24 months before we can do it, but our minds are made up.

i started a new job this summer, and i will be working my behind off to earn enough for the move (& our 10th anniversary trip & my 30th birthday).

we have lined up a buyer for our house, but it has to wait until our contract for the first-time homebuyer credit us up (15 months from now.)

BUT...

the friends i have here are some of the best (if not THE best) i've had in my life.

i love these friends; i'm not looking forward to trying to make new ones. i love this life i have here. i'm very happy. so i'm mentally living in both places.

we are nomadic by nature. this is the absolute longest we have lived anywhere, and i'm ready for a change. ready to start over. ready to leave my family drama behind and live closer to my husband's family. ready for my kids to live close to the wild our God created, and be a little wilder ourselves.

the plan is that when we get there my husband and i both work at jobs in the education field. that way we work during the school year when the weather is bad, and play with our kids when the weather is great. we plan to spend more time with my husband's parents and have reliable care for the girls when we want to have time together.

in the meantime i am trying to earn an income and live-it-up for the next year and a half until we can arrange to move.

the one thing i do not want to do is disconnect from this group of friends before we move (or ever, for that matter).

so, here's to the next move.

changes

it is amazing how easy it is to start relying on a person. how quickly you become dependent on the comfort and love that you feel.

then when it is taken away, or diminished, the feelings that arise are powerful.

my father is afraid to hang out with me for fear of my mother's wrath.

i have already "lost" my oldest brother to his fear of his wife. it is hard to fight back the anger that i may "lose" my father as well.

what is it about those women that paralyzes these men.

i tell myself, "its fine. i don't need them." but i want my dad and my brother to choose to spend time with me regardless of the consequences.

i want to yell and whine and cry and beg, but its useless. they are who they are and i cannot change anyone but myself. so, once again i will cut my heart out of the equation and choose to be satisfied with my one brother and his family, my husband and daughters, and (my chosen family) my friends.

Gratituesday

people have said to me, "you're so strong. i could never do that." "i don't know how you tell her no." "you did that by yourself? i'm not that strong."

i feel strong.

i feel like i could persevere through whatever is coming.

where does this strength come from? certainly not from me. i was not brought up to be a strong woman; at least not one with real strength.

the womanhood modeled for me was a blustery woman who never admitted fault or weakness. a woman who didn't need a man because they would just end up letting her down. a woman who hit others when frustrated or exasperated. these are the women in my family. the ones who believe that unless their strength was visible through violence or competitive drinking, it wasn't there.

the strength i long for is quiet. it is patient and kind; it doesn't envy or boast. it isn't rude or easily angered. it doesn't keep track of what wrongs have been done. it always trusts, hopes, and perseveres*. in other words it is love. God's Love.

it takes real, unconditional love to be strong. God's love going into a person, and being channeled to those around.

it takes love for my children to tell them "no" and set up boundaries for them and the people surrounding them.

it takes love to keep myself from talking about others.

it takes love to give the benefit of the doubt to someone, again.

it takes both love for God and an understanding of God's love for others.

so understand that my strength, whether it is the strength in my back and arms, the strength of my mind, or the strength in my heart, it is not of me or from me. it is from God through His love. And i thank Him.

*roughly 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Join us for Gratituesday at Heavenly Homemakers!

my grandpa

My grandpa is a rancher. he has always been a rancher. he has worked cattle for most of his life.

he is the youngest of 12 kids, and at 83 he still has 2 living sisters (both in their 90s).

when he was 16 he lied about his age in order to enlist in the Navy. the Navy found out 6 months later, but he was already in the pacific fighting the Japanese. by the time they sent him home he was 18, so he enlisted in the army and kept fighting.

he lived in colorado and nebraska all his life, except these last 4 years.

every summer i would get to go visit for a few weeks and ride horses and work cattle and go to rodeos. he taught me to drive a stick-shift in the middle of the sandhills of nebraska. he showed me how to spot antelope, rattlesnakes, coyotes, and worthless men. he taught me what to look for in a dog. he showed me the beauty of the nebraska desert.

he married young. he describes himself as "no good" in his youth, and his first wife was an alcoholic. they had 8 kids before they divorced in the late 1960's. he married my grandma in 1971.
many of my best memories are at their house for summer and massive christmas dinners with my aunts, uncles, and cousins.

now they are getting older and many things are changing. my grandpa is aging gracefully. he is growing more efficient because he can't muscle things like he used to. he is such an inspiration to me. as i get older i want to gracefully acknowledge the things i can no longer do without being whiny or bitter.

Grandpa just got diagnosed with congestive heart failure (but he calls it "suggestive" heart failure). they moved to washington state several years ago because they couldn't handle nebraska's winters anymore. i wish they didn't live so far away. i wish my kids knew him better. i pray for his salvation; i desperately want to see him in heaven.

my grandpa doesn't think much of himself, and he does have flaws, but i think the world of him. i am so grateful for his influence on my life!

kids

babies are on my mind. many of my friends are still in the middle of their baby-making phase of life. i see babies and pregnant people everywhere!

i love babies.

i love bringing babies home from the hospital.

i love the first 3 months with a newborn! (seriously, its my favorite; running on adrenaline and getting to know a whole new person...)

i love the idea of being pregnant. the idea that a little person is being made inside of me.

but...

i have only had 2 successful pregnancies. i've only brought 2 babies home. my chances of bringing home another one is 30%.

i don't know if i'm going to have more kids. i am not in a place spiritually to hand my worries over to God if i were to get pregnant right now.

i know that if i were to become pregnant God would give me all the strength and peace i lack in order to have a blessed and happy pregnancy no matter the outcome. my fear and doubt has no effect on the situation. if God puts the desire in me and my husband's hearts to try for another baby i would try.

however, right now i am surrounded by kids i love who are being parented by people who love them. i am happy to be an aunt equivalent to those kiddos!

i really feel like my place right now is one of support. to support my kids, husband, friends, and my friends kids.

so, we'll see what happens. i am quite content with my life at this moment (Praise God for that!)