my grandpa

My grandpa is a rancher. he has always been a rancher. he has worked cattle for most of his life.

he is the youngest of 12 kids, and at 83 he still has 2 living sisters (both in their 90s).

when he was 16 he lied about his age in order to enlist in the Navy. the Navy found out 6 months later, but he was already in the pacific fighting the Japanese. by the time they sent him home he was 18, so he enlisted in the army and kept fighting.

he lived in colorado and nebraska all his life, except these last 4 years.

every summer i would get to go visit for a few weeks and ride horses and work cattle and go to rodeos. he taught me to drive a stick-shift in the middle of the sandhills of nebraska. he showed me how to spot antelope, rattlesnakes, coyotes, and worthless men. he taught me what to look for in a dog. he showed me the beauty of the nebraska desert.

he married young. he describes himself as "no good" in his youth, and his first wife was an alcoholic. they had 8 kids before they divorced in the late 1960's. he married my grandma in 1971.
many of my best memories are at their house for summer and massive christmas dinners with my aunts, uncles, and cousins.

now they are getting older and many things are changing. my grandpa is aging gracefully. he is growing more efficient because he can't muscle things like he used to. he is such an inspiration to me. as i get older i want to gracefully acknowledge the things i can no longer do without being whiny or bitter.

Grandpa just got diagnosed with congestive heart failure (but he calls it "suggestive" heart failure). they moved to washington state several years ago because they couldn't handle nebraska's winters anymore. i wish they didn't live so far away. i wish my kids knew him better. i pray for his salvation; i desperately want to see him in heaven.

my grandpa doesn't think much of himself, and he does have flaws, but i think the world of him. i am so grateful for his influence on my life!

kids

babies are on my mind. many of my friends are still in the middle of their baby-making phase of life. i see babies and pregnant people everywhere!

i love babies.

i love bringing babies home from the hospital.

i love the first 3 months with a newborn! (seriously, its my favorite; running on adrenaline and getting to know a whole new person...)

i love the idea of being pregnant. the idea that a little person is being made inside of me.

but...

i have only had 2 successful pregnancies. i've only brought 2 babies home. my chances of bringing home another one is 30%.

i don't know if i'm going to have more kids. i am not in a place spiritually to hand my worries over to God if i were to get pregnant right now.

i know that if i were to become pregnant God would give me all the strength and peace i lack in order to have a blessed and happy pregnancy no matter the outcome. my fear and doubt has no effect on the situation. if God puts the desire in me and my husband's hearts to try for another baby i would try.

however, right now i am surrounded by kids i love who are being parented by people who love them. i am happy to be an aunt equivalent to those kiddos!

i really feel like my place right now is one of support. to support my kids, husband, friends, and my friends kids.

so, we'll see what happens. i am quite content with my life at this moment (Praise God for that!)