caution

the summer after i turned 18 i was taking the maximum number of credits and working for the science department at a local community college. i was getting ready to graduate with my associates after completing the fall semester, so i could transfer to a four year college.

that summer i learned that my mother had cheated on my father at some point. i also learned some very sad things about each of my grandmothers' childhoods. My maternal grandma's dementia was beginning to show and she was very mean and accused me of random cruelties that never happened.

my parents went on vacation and while they were gone something got in the chicken shed and killed half of our chickens by ripping their heads off. that happened twice while they were gone.

i did not handle these things well. life seemed to be continuously cruel. i felt responsible for things that i had no control over. i lost perspective.

food didn't taste good, but i ate because the act of eating was comforting. i had a hard time sleeping at night and a hard time staying awake during the day. memorizing things became nearly impossible. school, which had always been easy, was a struggle. my eyes were always brimming with tears.

the beginning of september i felt like i couldn't take it anymore. i wanted to stop hurting. i started thinking about ways i could kill myself.

i sat my parents down on september 5th and told them how i was feeling. we made an appointment for me to start seeing a counselor.

September 11, 2001 - thousands of people died in the terrorist attack on the United States.

i recognized that the parts of my life that seemed cruel and overwhelming were minuscule compared to what had just happened to millions of people.

i met with the counselor until i moved in january. i worked hard. i learned techniques to help me sleep. i could see the light at the end of the tunnel. life was looking up.

now 11 years later, i've fallen into too much responsibility.

i have my families normal goings on. same as everybody. i have been helping out with the neighbor girl: feeding her when she asks, brushing her hair when her mom's too high to do it, giving her clothes  to wear. But my other neighbor had been carrying most of the day to day weight of caring for the girl. now the girl's mom has lost custody and the clueless grandpa is in charge. also the neighbor lady (who had been carrying the weight) left her husband and isn't around anymore.

now i have the little girl every weekday and i also have the teenage girl and elementary school-aged boys from the neighbor who left her husband.

i have 4 extra kids after every school day until after my own girls go to bed. and the neighbor girl has started coming over before school also.

I DID NOT OFFER TO DO THIS.

but when these kids (that are too young to care for themselves) knock on my door i let them in.

i'm afraid i'm heading down that same road again. i can see the signs. i need to get a handle on this now because i have people depending on me.

my oldest girl has started having notes sent home by her teacher. i forget to check if she has homework or ask what she did in school each day. i feel guilty that i only have a few minutes a day that are not dominated by someone else's kids. i'm not coping well.

i need to get a grip and stop crying long enough to tell these parents and guardians that i can't help them anymore. and i need to do it today.

crapity crap crap

i am very irritable lately. there are many possible reasons, but really it is because they are all compounding on each other.

1. i have less than 206 days until my best friend moves to St. Louis.
2. my parents' divorce is getting more real.
3. my neighbors are splitting up and i won't ever see their sweet boys again. also their mother will not be around to help me with the neighbor girl anymore.
4. i have been watching a neighbor girl because her mom is in rehab for meth and lost custody. she takes a lot of energy because she is coming out of a very sad and disgusting situation.
5. our potential move is up in the air and the not knowing is bothering me. 
6. i want to get more involved with the amazing church we go to, but my husband doesn't see the point since we may be trying to move this summer.
7. i know that this turmoil in my mind is a sign of where my relationship with God is right now, because none of these things are new but they are starting to really affect my mood.

i feel so blessed that i have my husband and kids and our family is functional and healthy. however, they are not filling the void i feel in my heart and i know why, but i haven't begun to do anything about it yet.