elementary school

i posted some class pictures from 2nd, 3rd, and 4th grade on face.book the other day and the response is almost unreal.

i only had one or 2 friends on face.book that i knew from elementary. i only posted it because my daughter is in kindergarten and i am sentimental.

there are like 8 or 9 people that were in my class commenting on the photo. they are coming out of the wood work like crazy!

one is a boy who's homework i used to do for him because if it wasn't perfect he would get hit at home. another is a girl who i thought hated me in high school, coming to my rescue about an awful teacher we had in 4th grade.

i left school after 4th grade to be home-schooled because that horrible teacher was giving me panic attacks. does school always have those horrible things that bind you to your friends? is that what i missed by not going to public middle school?

what binds people together other than bad experiences? great experiences?

i want my kids to grow up strong, so i can't save them from every situation. HOWEVER, i pray that God will show me when i need to save them, because He knows i don't want them to hurt if they don't have to.

november 30, 2011

today i am thankful that my girls have avoided major illness this far into the school year.

november 29, 2011

today i am thankful for my husband's willingness to participate in a Bible study.

november 28, 2011

today i am thankful for the parents of the kids i watch. they are the reason my job is so easy!

november 27, 2011

i am thankful for a church that is concerned with the needs of the community and acts on it!

november 26, 2011

i am thankful for a good visit with my brothers and their families.

november 24 & 25, 2011

for yesterday; i am thankful my cousin made it through 6 years in the marines, serving in dangerous situations and lived to tell about it.

for today; i am thankful for my dog and the way she came into our lives.

november 23, 2011

today i am thankful for my brother.

november 21 & 22, 2011

today i am thankful for the kids at the bus stop. God uses them to remind me to take them seriously by not taking myself seriously.

yesterday i was thankful for texting and how it allows me to communicate with my sister-in-law.

november 20, 2011

today i am thankful for harmonicas and the joy they bring my girls (although it does get annoying after a short time).

november 19, 2011

today i am thankful that my grandparents are still alive and healthy enough to spend time with my kids.

november 18, 2011

today i am thankful for healthy babies born to good friends.

november 17, 2011

today i am thankful for my daughter's kindergarten teacher and the skill with which she teaches my little girl.

november 16, 2011

today i am thankful that God hasn't given up on me.

as often as i mess up, and as much as i get wrong, it would make sense for Him to cut His losses and forget about me.

i need to keep that idea firmly in the front of my mind. i need to grant that same allowance to everyone else.

november 14, 2011

for today , and yesterday, i am thankful for both my hot water heater and the furnace that keeps my home warm.

november 13, 2011

today i am thankful for friends who don't care what church i go to, but are more concerned with the quality of and fruit being produced by my walk with Christ.

november 12, 2011

today i am thankful for ibuprofen.

11/11/11

today i am thankful for my friday morning ladies Bible study.

as a side note: today is veterans day and i am very thankful for the people who decide they are willing to do what they are told (which is a huge sacrifice) and who are willing to lay their life down for their brothers-in-arms and for people they don't know. i have 2 grandfathers, 2 cousins, 2 parents, 1 uncle, and 1 brother who chose to serve. Thank you to our veterans.

november 10, 2011

today i am thankful for the creativity God has given His children.

i love to draw, paint, make things, sew, and cook. it is wonderful to see a glimmer of what our creator felt when he was putting the universe together.

november 9, 2011

today i am thankful for our car.

november 8, 2011

today i am thankful for vinegar.

i this will make me sound silly to myself but i really rely on this stuff. i clean everything with it.

november 7, 2011

i am thankful for preachers who are evangelists The Spirit uses to prod me out of complacency and into my Lord's arms.

november 6, 2011

today i am thankful for mouse traps and tupper ware containers.

november 5. 2011

i am thankful that my husband and i share so many hobbies. it makes hanging out effortless.

november 4, 2011

i am thankful for my grandpa and his love for me.

november 3, 2011

i am thankful for so many things it is hard to choose.

today i am thankful for the public school system and not having to pay for my daughter to be educated by a competent and loving teacher.

so today i am feeling a little weepy.

one of the kids from the bus stop came over because his parents were both already gone to work. he doesn't have a coat, and the furnace at his house is broken. he is so sweet and hilarious; i love this kid!

and he got me thinking...

i feel like i am surrounded by kids that i love and who's lives i affect a little bit. all of a sudden i am sad to move. i know i can keep in touch with my friends, but the thought of not being able to see these kids around me grow up is breaking my heart.

i love what i do. getting to take care of other people's kids is wonderful. however, the kids i watch come from very loving homes. i know they are fed, hugged, warm, and clothed.

what about these neighborhood kids? can i actually believe that there will be someone to take care of them when i'm gone?

my brain knows that God will take care of them; He loves kids! but when they are running through my house and my yard and eating the food i give them, it gets easy to think that i am the one doing good. really i am only fulfilling my purpose in God.

i need to let go of the idea that i have control or influence and be grateful that God can use me to help these kids for the time being.

november 2, 2011

i am thankful for my job and the money God provides from it.

november 1, 2011

lets see if i can remember to do this all month.

day 1 of thankfullness: i am thankful for my husband and his faithfulness.

Gratituesday

september 5th 2001 i started planning my suicide. i had been depressed for months and i felt i couldn't take it anymore. i was living with my parents and going to community college. there were so many logistics i wanted to work out for the sake of my parents, but really i was being selfish by giving up. i just couldn't imagine anything changing, ever.

less than a week later the twin towers fell and the reality of other people's loss snapped something in my mind back into place. i decided that i wanted to get help and i began seeing a counselor. we talked about everything and she encouraged me to make changes, one of which was a transfer to a christian college away from home the next semester.

all of a sudden it is ten years later and i am happily married, with 2 beautiful girls, and a life that i love.

today i am grateful for God's restoration. my heart has been restored. the Lord refills my spirit and gave me the strength to move forward. the Lord placed people in my life to bless and encourage me and guide me to this place.

it was not instantaneous. i know that it very well could have been instant, if my faith had allowed HIM to act with the power and speed He possesses. i am a slow learner. it took many many tries and infinite amounts of God's grace and forgiveness; and believe me i will continue to need grace and forgiveness until my last day on earth.

so, today i am blown away by and grateful for the effort God has put into giving me "life... to the full" (john 10:10).

Join us for Gratituesday at Heavenly Homemakers!

love it!

a few things i love right now.

making earrings

painting on t-shirts

babysitting the sweet little guy i'm in charge of

my husband

sleeping under blankets with the windows open

make-up

anything pumpkin

life feels exciting right now. i love this season. i love earning a living without giving up homemaking. i love the sense of teamwork between my husband and me right now.

and yet... i feel like i'm missing something right now. everything is going well, but my mind is not quite right. i'm yelling at the girls a little too often. i'm watching a little too much TV. i'm a little too selfish.

when times are good, i need to pull closer to God; instead i'm trying to go under my own power, which is not enough even when things are easy.

i am determined to stop this backward slide. things are good because of God. He deserves the glory for this peaceful time in our lives.

Psalm 19:1-4 & 14

The heavens declare the glory of God;
the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
Day after day they pour forth speech;
night after night they display knowledge.
There is no speech or language
where their voice is not heard.^[a]
Their voice^[b] goes out into all the earth,
their words to the ends of the world...

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing in your sight,
O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.

moving on

i'm in such a weird place right now. my mind is split in two directions: future and present.

we have decided to move north to a different city. we know it will take 18-24 months before we can do it, but our minds are made up.

i started a new job this summer, and i will be working my behind off to earn enough for the move (& our 10th anniversary trip & my 30th birthday).

we have lined up a buyer for our house, but it has to wait until our contract for the first-time homebuyer credit us up (15 months from now.)

BUT...

the friends i have here are some of the best (if not THE best) i've had in my life.

i love these friends; i'm not looking forward to trying to make new ones. i love this life i have here. i'm very happy. so i'm mentally living in both places.

we are nomadic by nature. this is the absolute longest we have lived anywhere, and i'm ready for a change. ready to start over. ready to leave my family drama behind and live closer to my husband's family. ready for my kids to live close to the wild our God created, and be a little wilder ourselves.

the plan is that when we get there my husband and i both work at jobs in the education field. that way we work during the school year when the weather is bad, and play with our kids when the weather is great. we plan to spend more time with my husband's parents and have reliable care for the girls when we want to have time together.

in the meantime i am trying to earn an income and live-it-up for the next year and a half until we can arrange to move.

the one thing i do not want to do is disconnect from this group of friends before we move (or ever, for that matter).

so, here's to the next move.

changes

it is amazing how easy it is to start relying on a person. how quickly you become dependent on the comfort and love that you feel.

then when it is taken away, or diminished, the feelings that arise are powerful.

my father is afraid to hang out with me for fear of my mother's wrath.

i have already "lost" my oldest brother to his fear of his wife. it is hard to fight back the anger that i may "lose" my father as well.

what is it about those women that paralyzes these men.

i tell myself, "its fine. i don't need them." but i want my dad and my brother to choose to spend time with me regardless of the consequences.

i want to yell and whine and cry and beg, but its useless. they are who they are and i cannot change anyone but myself. so, once again i will cut my heart out of the equation and choose to be satisfied with my one brother and his family, my husband and daughters, and (my chosen family) my friends.

Gratituesday

people have said to me, "you're so strong. i could never do that." "i don't know how you tell her no." "you did that by yourself? i'm not that strong."

i feel strong.

i feel like i could persevere through whatever is coming.

where does this strength come from? certainly not from me. i was not brought up to be a strong woman; at least not one with real strength.

the womanhood modeled for me was a blustery woman who never admitted fault or weakness. a woman who didn't need a man because they would just end up letting her down. a woman who hit others when frustrated or exasperated. these are the women in my family. the ones who believe that unless their strength was visible through violence or competitive drinking, it wasn't there.

the strength i long for is quiet. it is patient and kind; it doesn't envy or boast. it isn't rude or easily angered. it doesn't keep track of what wrongs have been done. it always trusts, hopes, and perseveres*. in other words it is love. God's Love.

it takes real, unconditional love to be strong. God's love going into a person, and being channeled to those around.

it takes love for my children to tell them "no" and set up boundaries for them and the people surrounding them.

it takes love to keep myself from talking about others.

it takes love to give the benefit of the doubt to someone, again.

it takes both love for God and an understanding of God's love for others.

so understand that my strength, whether it is the strength in my back and arms, the strength of my mind, or the strength in my heart, it is not of me or from me. it is from God through His love. And i thank Him.

*roughly 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Join us for Gratituesday at Heavenly Homemakers!

my grandpa

My grandpa is a rancher. he has always been a rancher. he has worked cattle for most of his life.

he is the youngest of 12 kids, and at 83 he still has 2 living sisters (both in their 90s).

when he was 16 he lied about his age in order to enlist in the Navy. the Navy found out 6 months later, but he was already in the pacific fighting the Japanese. by the time they sent him home he was 18, so he enlisted in the army and kept fighting.

he lived in colorado and nebraska all his life, except these last 4 years.

every summer i would get to go visit for a few weeks and ride horses and work cattle and go to rodeos. he taught me to drive a stick-shift in the middle of the sandhills of nebraska. he showed me how to spot antelope, rattlesnakes, coyotes, and worthless men. he taught me what to look for in a dog. he showed me the beauty of the nebraska desert.

he married young. he describes himself as "no good" in his youth, and his first wife was an alcoholic. they had 8 kids before they divorced in the late 1960's. he married my grandma in 1971.
many of my best memories are at their house for summer and massive christmas dinners with my aunts, uncles, and cousins.

now they are getting older and many things are changing. my grandpa is aging gracefully. he is growing more efficient because he can't muscle things like he used to. he is such an inspiration to me. as i get older i want to gracefully acknowledge the things i can no longer do without being whiny or bitter.

Grandpa just got diagnosed with congestive heart failure (but he calls it "suggestive" heart failure). they moved to washington state several years ago because they couldn't handle nebraska's winters anymore. i wish they didn't live so far away. i wish my kids knew him better. i pray for his salvation; i desperately want to see him in heaven.

my grandpa doesn't think much of himself, and he does have flaws, but i think the world of him. i am so grateful for his influence on my life!

kids

babies are on my mind. many of my friends are still in the middle of their baby-making phase of life. i see babies and pregnant people everywhere!

i love babies.

i love bringing babies home from the hospital.

i love the first 3 months with a newborn! (seriously, its my favorite; running on adrenaline and getting to know a whole new person...)

i love the idea of being pregnant. the idea that a little person is being made inside of me.

but...

i have only had 2 successful pregnancies. i've only brought 2 babies home. my chances of bringing home another one is 30%.

i don't know if i'm going to have more kids. i am not in a place spiritually to hand my worries over to God if i were to get pregnant right now.

i know that if i were to become pregnant God would give me all the strength and peace i lack in order to have a blessed and happy pregnancy no matter the outcome. my fear and doubt has no effect on the situation. if God puts the desire in me and my husband's hearts to try for another baby i would try.

however, right now i am surrounded by kids i love who are being parented by people who love them. i am happy to be an aunt equivalent to those kiddos!

i really feel like my place right now is one of support. to support my kids, husband, friends, and my friends kids.

so, we'll see what happens. i am quite content with my life at this moment (Praise God for that!)

Mommy issues

i love my mother. i like who i am and i know she was the primary influence in the first several years of my life.

my mother is not well. she is bi-polar; she has always gone through phases of severe depression, and is usually very manic (even when depressed). she works very hard to keep people from seeing her illness. she changes churches, and rotates friends to keep people thinking that she is anything but an energetic, spontaneous, person victimized by others.

she is horrible at boundaries and is unable (or unwilling, i can't tell) to remember many conversations about her boundaries and behavior. for the sake of my children i need to limit their exposure to her.

our relationship is very challenging.

this leaves me wondering about something else:

how do i distance myself from my mother without using anger as my courage?

i've been thinking for so long that she is stubborn and refuses to change. i am angry that she refuses to do anything to make her life better. angry that she talks change constantly, but DOES nothing. the reality is that she IS STILL bi-polar. just because she hasn't taken meds in 15 years does not mean she is cured.

the challenge continues to be talking to her about all this. i don't want to hurt her, but my responsibility isn't to her. i need to do what is best for my kids.

lately this has gotten even more complicated. my mother has asked my father to leave their house. i am furious about this.

she talks about God all the time; she claims to be very close to Him.

her actions betray her mindset.

it is impossible to love God with all your heart and also be full of anger and hate, "because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires." (James 1:20)

for weeks she has not been allowed to have unsupervised contact with my children. now i want to deny her any contact, but i have been praying that God show me appropriate boundaries with her, and He says that's too far.

i am extremely frustrated by her and my parent's situation. the most infuriating part is that there is no end to her saga. she will never be better; their marriage will never be like my in-law's marriage; i will never be free of her negative influence.

i will have to watch my own children for signs mental illness because of our genetics.

i have absolutely no idea how to glorify God in this situation. my attitude is not in line with "honor your mother and father" and i don't yet want to be in that mindset. i know that my attitude is dishonoring God and i am so sorry.

Dear God,

Guide me. Show me how to honor my mother. Give me the power to be strong for my children, and gentle with my mother's heart. Remind me to be humble and to give her the benefit of the doubt. Thank you for continuing to love me even when i blatantly disobey your Word. Please give me the grace to glorify you in this, and every circumstance.

Amen

Gratituesday

today i am grateful for my dad.

my dad is fantastic. we are so close these days. i can talk to him about anything.

we haven't always been close. there were a lot of years that he worked too much, and a lot of years that i didn't like him because i didn't know him.

he retired from the railroad 3 years ago and it was the best thing that could have happened.

he is the most phenomenal grandpa anyone could hope for. there are only a few men i know that i feel i can trust 100% with my children, and he is one of them. he honestly loves to hang out with my girls and all his grandkids.

he and my husband get along wonderfully. they love to work together, they both love sushi, they both love me!

my father is a great gift to me from God. his integrity will have an impact on generations to come and i thank God for him.

Join us for Gratituesday at Heavenly Homemakers!

Gratituesday

i am grateful for a God who is bigger.

bigger than my comprehension, with plans bigger than my capacity to understand.

a week and a half ago a family i know buried their 26 day old baby. she had many health troubles, and was not expected to survive birth, let alone 26 days after birth. her parents seem to be putting all of their strength into viewing their baby's life through the filter of God's Word.

three weeks ago a very sweet teen at our church had a brain hemorrhage. she isn't doing well and is in hospice care at home now.

i know there are infinite examples of these types of circumstances in people's lives all over the world and i'm grateful to follow the God who is bigger than any circumstance.

i will never understand why these things happen, but i know God has a plan (Jeremiah 29:11).

i know God cares and will give peace to those who seek Him (Philipians 4:6-7 & Luke 12:29-31).

i know that no matter what a situation looks like God will use it for our benefit (Romans 8:28 & Matthew 7:11).

so i will choose to believe His words and be grateful that He knows what He is doing.

Join us for Gratituesday at Heavenly Homemakers!

blah... i mean Grati-Thursday

my birthday was this week. and it kind of stunk.

me and my girls were sick off and on all week, starting sunday. so, my celebrations are on hold and my 4 year old is sad that i didn't have a birthday party or a cake.

i'm a little bummed that i missed so much time with my friends this week.

However, the reality is that this whole week has been a huge blessing.

i have felt the Spirit near me almost the whole time. even in the middle of chasing the 2 year old with a bucket and paper towels my husband and i were laughing and talking about how funny this will be in a few years.

i didn't work on my Bible study as much as i should have, i missed lunch and 2 walks with my friends, but i felt God's peace in the middle of my "light and momentary" (2 Corinthians 4:17) chaos.

today was less joy-filled than the rest of the week, but i know it was because i tried to function under my own power and not God's. i am very blessed to have a husband who is able to help me re-align my perspective in a loving way. i'll do better next time... maybe.

there is always tomorrow, or Jesus will come back; either way i'm good with it.

choosing a direction

one of the hardest parts about living a christian life is knowing what direction God is leading.

inside our wedding bands we have "Romans 12:2" engraved.

the verse says:

"Do not conform any longer to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is, His good, pleasing, and perfect will."

this is the verse we want to base our married life on. it isn't about us working on our marriage. it is about us working on our relationship with God. if we commit to God and submit to God we could only be successful in our marriage, because it will be His not ours.

we believe that the only way to be transformed is through the scripture and by communication with the Holy Spirit. Then we will be willing to submit to God's will.

one of the things i have been seeking God's guidance on is whether or not to work part-time and where to work.

my big girl is going to kindergarten and i didn't know if i should just stay home with the little one or get a job.

thankfully God plopped a job in my lap that allows me to do both.

a family in our church needed someone to watch their little one, and they thought enough of me to ask me to do it. it is such an answered prayer!

i will be able to earn a living and be home with my little bug.

the secret is that it takes a ton of effort to only pray and study and wait for God's leading.

i had offers for other jobs. there are 2 places that asked me to work for them. i'm sure it would have been fine. it would have worked out (after all, God can redeem any decision and its consequences). however, if i go where God leads i know it will be the best path.

now to apply this idea to every other area of my life...

Gratituesday

today i am grateful for healing.

it has been just over 3 years since my last miscarriage.

mother's day was just a couple of days ago.

for the last few years mother's day has been more bitter than sweet. i was either trying to conceive or recovering from a miscarriage, and even though i had one daughter all i could think about is that life wasn't the way i wanted it.

i had several moments where i thought of my babies and how much i wish i had them here, but my day was filled with the joys of normalcy. i woke up and fed the girls, we went to church, we came home and had lunch, we spent the day as a family. just like almost every other day, and i was happy, just like almost every other day.

this, my friends, is not time that has healed my wounds. it is the work of God. my savior, my comforter, the only being who is able to make a horrible thing turn out well. He is my redeemer. by that i mean He not only redeems me (on a daily basis), but He redeems my circumstances, my memories, my life.

Thank You God.

Psalm 30:1-2

I will exalt you, Lord,

for you lifted me out of the depths

and you did not let my enemies gloat over me.

Lord my God, I called to you for help,

and You healed me.

Join us for Gratituesday at Heavenly Homemakers!

reaction to osama's death

Osama is dead.

my family is a military family, so i understand the sense of accomplishment people are feeling as a patriot.

i am also a bit of a cynic, so the first verse that came to mind was:

Ecclesiastes 1:9

"What has been will be again,

what has been done will be done again;

there is nothing new under the sun."

how naive i think people are that the death of one man could end the war on terror, or terrorist action against the USA.

however, i am a christian first and foremost. as a christian i need to only think that it looks like God has lost one of his creations, who He had hoped would find Jesus and be saved.

i am disgusted by how political and hateful the posts by christians are on facebook. is that really the perspective God would want us to show our non-christian friends?

things that are from God create PEACE, LOVE, KINDNESS and the other fruits of the Spirit. my anger and judging are not going to produce good, so i need to root them out.

Please God remove my judgements from my mind and heart.

Remove the anger i am feeling towards other people.

Please God be glorified in my life and change me to be like you.

Please use this situation to bring your lost sheep home.

Give me an attitude of Peace and Love towards everyone i come in contact with.

Amen

remember when i was telling you that i was trying to fit into my wedding dress by my birthday?

well, it went really slow for the first few weeks, then all of a sudden its kicking in!

it is still really tight, but i can zip it almost the whole way up!

mowing our half acre yard with a push mower, and writing down everything i eat on livestrong.com have been the main helpers. i have also been using the wii fit that we have had for almost 3 years.

i am super excited that my clothes are fitting better, and i might be able to fit into some older clothes that are packed away.

my head isn't in any of the pictures because i still have an enormous double-chin. thats all i have to say about it for now.

i love my in-laws!

this summer we are vacationing with my husband's parents.

for most people that would be a nightmare, but for me it will be a week of relaxation and edification with people who love me and my girls.

we are going to lake superior and we are going to stay in a rental house on the shore.

i am looking forward to hiking, picnicking, and hanging out with my family before our oldest starts kindergarten.

my in-laws are delightful. i've probably said it before, but they treat me like i'm their kid. they give encouraging and godly advise. they are so laid back and fun; i'm completely ready to go NOW!

i love the coasts; i have been to maine and northern california, and i love the wild power of the ocean and the cliffs. i used to give my husband a hard time because he said that the lake superior coast was the same.

when our big girl was 3 months old we went to the north shore and it was amazing. the last day we were there a storm blew in from canada and the waves were crashing 12 feet above the cliffs. And then i stopped making fun of him for comparing the ocean to lake superior.

the other thing i love about it is that it is possible for us to go there on a budget. we can get there in a day and rent a place with a kitchen-et. we bring almost all of our food, and mostly window shop. the area is so amazing that we do not get bored.

also, the company will be lovely. i imaging walking around town with my mother-in-law and the girls, hiking and dining out with my husband, and long talks about God by the fire with my father-in-law.

it will be like heaven on earth.

wordless wednesday

bummed

my neighbors broke up over the weekend.

they weren't married, but they had been together for something like 5 years.

suddenly, on saturday morning a moving truck was outside their house and all of the furniture was being taken away.

she had waited until he had gone to work so she could sneak out.

we had just hung out with him thursday night and he was talking about them buying a house together in the future, and going to a concert in a month.

i see this from both sides. i think it was mean to move out without talking to the other person about it, but i can understand the need to get it done without second guessing yourself when you see how bad you are hurting him.

a few years ago i was contemplating leaving my husband, and i decided that the only way i could do it is if he wasn't home when i left. i wanted it to be a smack-in-the-face wake up call that he needed to change.

but it would SUCK to find out that your girlfriend is leaving you only when the neighbors start texting you and asking if you are moving!

now he is alone in a completely empty house, with only 2 of the 4 dogs. so sad! we gave him an extra chair we had, but it looked so lonely in the empty living room.

they are both really nice, and i'm going to miss talking to them in the driveway. i find myself hoping that they will make up. however, i do not know the details of their relationship, or why she felt like she needed to leave. mostly i just hope it is for the best, and that he will take us up on our offer to come to church with us.

Das Hound

Gratituesday

today i am thankful for my individuality.

i am not the exactly the same as anyone i know. i don't parent the same way, eat the same things, believe the same things, or perceive things the same way as anyone.

we have similarities for sure, but we are not the same.

i have friends that think the same way about money. i have friends that parent the same way. and i have friends who are stay at home moms like me. some of these friends overlap in certain areas, but no one is in all of them.

sometimes i wish for a friend that i could talk to about anything, but really i think it is a way for God to keep me closer to Him.

so i thank God that He is making me who i am. i want to lean only on Him and i believe my individuality is just one of His tools.

Join us for Gratituesday at Heavenly Homemakers!

i recently set a goal for myself that seems unreachable right now.

i am going to turn 28 next month and have my 8th wedding anniversary in a couple of months and i decided that i want to fit back in my wedding dress as my birthday present to myself.

i have never been small or skinny, but we took a family picture a few weeks ago and i HATE it. i look so much fatter than i feel. i feel curvy, marilyn monroe-ish. but i looked like a swollen version of me (with a giant double-chin).

so i have been using livestrong.com to track my exercise and calories for 2 weeks and i've lost about 3 pounds.

as you can see i only have a couple of inches before i can zip it (that's all i'm hoping for really).

i don't know how this is going to go. one and a half pounds a week does not seem like enough to get it done. i have been carrying this extra weight since before i had my kids, and i'm tired of it making me feel older than i am.

i don't set a lot of goals, but when i do i really want to accomplish it. so i'm trying to think of this as a long term thing. a path, not a destination. not easy for me to do.

gratituesday

today i am thankful for provision. throughout my life i have been provided for.

obviously my parents provided for me as best as they could, but what i'm talking about is how God has provided for me.

the thing i'm most thankful for is how God provided for my safety. in this world where anything can happen, almost nothing happened to me.

God provided me with a highly tuned instinct in situations regarding my safety and the confidence to trust that instinct.

just a few months ago the neighbor two houses away from my parents, got arrested for child molestation. i lived near that man for 20 years. he always creeped me out. my mom would tell me not to be rude, but i couldn't stand to be within shouting distance of him. what a blessing that turned out to be!

as a teenager, i hung out downtown and drank with my friends, but even drunk i verged on paranoid in certain situations. i thank God for that now, even though i was accused many times of being a buzz kill or downer.

now, instinct can only go so far, and i am most thankful that God provided for my safety. i know that for the most part there is nothing i did to prevent the most horrible things from happening to me.

these days i don't think much about my own safety, but i pray constantly for God to provide safety for my children. i understand that their safety may not be in His plan, so i continually pray for the strength to trust Him no matter what. and i am thankful for a savior who cares enough about me to listen.

the other part of God's provision that i am thankful for is monetary.

my husband works hard as an instructional assistant at a middle school, and tutors in the evenings. even so, we have been hanging around $19,000 for the last 3 years.

yet, God has made sure that we have everything we need, and almost everything we want. through God's prodding we even paid off our car, and credit cards. it has been 2 years now since we even used credit cards.

we are not as conscious of it as i would like, but i feel that we understand that every dollar comes from Him.

especially when something unexpected happens. when our car needs work, or whatever else happens, God has already set something else up so that we have the money to pay for it. this has happened our whole married life. i don't know what else to say about it except that i think it is God's way of constantly reminding us that we need Him.

and so i am thankful that He has his eye on me.

Matthew 6:25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?"

Join us for Gratituesday at Heavenly Homemakers!

tattoos

i love a few of the shows on A&E. in particular i LOVE hoarders. there is something about that show that makes me look at myself. (i always end up cleaning after an episode, and getting rid of junk.)

in some ways i am a hoarder.

i don't hoard stuff. i hoard emotions and memories.

i hold on to memories, because i feel like they are responsible for getting me to who i am. i hold on to the emotions that the memories created. then i memorialize it by getting a tattoo.

i got my first tattoo when i was 18, single, was away at college, and had just bought my first vehicle. i felt strong, independent, and like the world was my oyster. i was attending a private christian college and i also wanted to rebel a little.

as you can see, the rebellion was tiny, because it is a silly one that i picked off the wall the minute i walked in the tattoo parlor.

i love the permanence of tattoos. much like our actions, they can never be erased and we choose weather they leave us uglier or more beautiful.

the next thing i wanted to hoard was love.

i never thought about getting married when i was younger. no plans for a dress or a guy, but when i met the guy who is now my husband i wanted to be with him until i died of old age. we decided to get married. while i love jewelery and how it looks, i never end up wearing much of it, so i decided to get a tattoo instead of a ring.

as a 20 year old getting the word "wife" tattooed on me in english seemed degrading, but in japanese it was beautiful. i still don't understand the logic, but i still love the tattoo.

a few years later my husband and is family lost a very close friend/mentor, and my faith was tested in seeing him very nearly crushed. this tattoo was not to memorialize an emotion i actually had, but instead to mark a permanent goal for my growth.

the verse states: "and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." i want to trust that when things happen (weather i would label them good or bad) God is working for my good, and for the good of everyone; it does not matter if i understand it or not.

a few years later that idea was tested when i had 2 miscarriages in less than a year.

that pain was so sharp, so demoralizing, it has changed me. after crawling thru the grief i saw the image of a swallow, and for me, it symbolized my return to my self and my babies rising to heaven.

i am in love with the beauty and strength that emerged from that period of my life. i feel like i am growing into myself. i am an individual, a wife, and a mother.

my latest tattoo is the japanese kanji for mother. it is mostly for my 2 living daughters and the honor i feel in being allowed to be their mother.

i have a multitude of ideas for future tattoos, but frankly i am running out of space in the areas i like to wear my tattoos. besides, the last 10 years have been so eventful, i feel like i need to save the space for what is to come.

Gratituesday

today i am thankful for the women in my friday morning Bible study.

all 7 of us go to the same church, but i wasn't especially close to any of them until last may. unbeknownst to most of us, we were all looking for a way to get something more out of our personal relationships with God. i don't really know how it came about, but God made it known to linds that she should mention the idea of a Bible study to each of us individually. the struggle was to find a time that we could meet, without children, to talk earnestly about God. eventually we settled on 6 am on friday mornings.

linds felt compelled that scripture memorization be the manner of study. she did not tell any of us ahead of time exactly how much we would be attempting.

the first friday we met was exhilarating. and daunting. we were set to memorize Philippians 2:1-18 (but only 2 verses a week). i was overwhelmed, but linds encouraged us to pray for help memorizing. what an amazing effect scripture has had on me, and i can see its effects in these women who have become the closest friends i can imagine.

i cannot remember a time when i have been surrounded by a group of friends who are determined to grow closer to God. the openness and honesty, combined with the compassion and grace each person offers to every other person, is something i had never imagined finding in a group of women.

in the last 10 months we have memorized Philippians 2:1-18, Proverbs 31:10-30, Psalm 121, and the first 12 verses in a topical memory system.

i have experienced the Bible as a living thing, capable of transforming any part of my life i allow it to touch.

i have experienced change in my marriage, and an openness to change in myself i did not plan for. i have been confronted with my faults by seeing myself through the lens of scripture. i have been raw and hurting, and comforted by the Bible and the arms of my friends.

this is just the starting point. through this study, i am building the foundation for the rest of my life. and hopefully creating a ripple effect through the lives of everyone i meet.

Thank you God for this friday morning Bible study.

my ideal world

we all know that this world isn't perfect. i believe it is because it is a "fallen" world. we cannot comprehend what it would be like if adam and eve had chosen to believe God instead of trusting their own intelligence.

this world could be better.

it all starts with the individual. if individuals (specifically, christian believers) acted out their faith, this is what i believe the world could look like.

each individual would hold God as their intelligence, motivation, guide, and strength.

INTELLIGENCE - this is a hard one. if we put God's intelligence above our own, then we will be willing to do things that go against common sense. most of the time God's intelligence is contrary to our own (i.e. walking on water, crossing the red sea on dry ground, being raised from the dead, etc.) i have a ton more to say about this but i'll leave it here for now.

motivation - God will use our respect/love for Him to inspire us to serve others (our family, our community, our society, the world).

guide - God will use our relationship with Him (prayer/scripture cycle) to show us who to serve and how to do it.

strength - God promises that He will give us the strength (physical and spiritual) to deal with and persevere through any situation. i would also say that, if we ask, He will give us the physical energy to do what He asks us to do.

so, if each christian used God for these things they would gain the ability and drive to serve those around them. if individuals served, then it would inevitably overflow into the community, then into the society, and eventually fill the whole world. imagine how many things (foodstamps, utility assistance, crisis pregnancy centers) would become un-necessary!

a natural side-effect of individuals holding to God for our intelligence, motivation, guide, and strength, would be strong marriages. the strength of these marriages would not be based on compatibility, skills, or determination; it would be based on the power of God. therefore, it would not be possible for it to fail. this is almost impossible for me to understand, because immediately my mind fills with all of the situation where i consider it reasonable for a marriage to fail. i struggle to remember that God, His power, and ability are always going to be more than i can fully understand, and that i am only required to trust not understand.

basically, my ideal world rests on the individual. each person answering only to God. so, the only way this could possibly happen is for me to change the only person i am responsible for: myself.

Gratituesday

i am grateful for a husband who is growing in the Lord.

my husband and i are like water; we always run downhill. we take the path of least resistance.

i found myself growing spiritually when i was going through intense grief, and i remember my husband growing spiritually when we were pregnant with our first daughter. while i believe my husband to be a strong christian, i don't remember his heart drawing him to Christ as it has been lately.

he is thirsting for God and in the Word daily. he hears what i have to say and gently guides me to view circumstances through the lens of God's wisdom.

somedays i don't feel like i know this man at all!

inside our wedding bands we have Romans 12:2 "be no longer conformed to this world, but transformed by the renewing of your mind; so that you may test and approve God's good, pleasing, and perfect will." this verse has always been our aspiration ...

but now i can see that my husband is leading our family down a path where it is the reality.

and i am honored to be his partner in it.

Join us for Gratituesday at Heavenly Homemakers!

a brief history of me

i come from a functioning, dysfunctional, two-parent home.

my mother's side of the family is equally split in groups of farmers and cattle ranchers. there are 14 siblings (some of the step and half variations) of some very screwed up parents. nearly all of them are alcoholics, many of them use drugs to some degree. as a kid, i relished the time i got to spend with her siblings. they are fun, crazy, accepting (of me), and taught me anything i asked to learn.

my father's side are "city folk" and can seem way too religious. they are always seeing flaws. i did not see that side very much; i liked it that way. in the last couple of years i have gotten to know them better. they are not as bad as i thought.

my parents were super religious in their early days as a couple. my mother has hated my father for as long as i have known what hatred was, but their religious views have relaxed.

part of their religious relaxation came from my brothers having unexpected sons within 6 months of each other when i was in high school. my parents chose to love on my brothers, the girls, and subsequent babies, instead of focusing on the negative. i think that is probably one of the main reasons that i choose not to judge people.

i met my husband in college. we got married ten months after we started dating. we had a daughter almost 3 years later. i lost two babies. i miss my babies. i feel strongly bound to my grief. i am defined by my absent children at least as much as my living children. we had another daughter december 2008 (what a blessing from God!)

my husband's parents have been happily married for over 30 years. they are "hippie" preachers. i could never complain about them, since they have treated me like i was their kid from the beginning. my sister-in-law had cancer as a teen and pre-teen, now she is 30, lives at home, and doesn't date. she is very different from me. every issue is black and white; no wiggle room, or allowance for understanding.

my husband thinks about everything, he does not judge, most things are not important enough for him to care about. he is an amazing artist, an even more amazing father to our girls. he is the most infuriating, maddening person, and i am more in love than ever.