caution

the summer after i turned 18 i was taking the maximum number of credits and working for the science department at a local community college. i was getting ready to graduate with my associates after completing the fall semester, so i could transfer to a four year college.

that summer i learned that my mother had cheated on my father at some point. i also learned some very sad things about each of my grandmothers' childhoods. My maternal grandma's dementia was beginning to show and she was very mean and accused me of random cruelties that never happened.

my parents went on vacation and while they were gone something got in the chicken shed and killed half of our chickens by ripping their heads off. that happened twice while they were gone.

i did not handle these things well. life seemed to be continuously cruel. i felt responsible for things that i had no control over. i lost perspective.

food didn't taste good, but i ate because the act of eating was comforting. i had a hard time sleeping at night and a hard time staying awake during the day. memorizing things became nearly impossible. school, which had always been easy, was a struggle. my eyes were always brimming with tears.

the beginning of september i felt like i couldn't take it anymore. i wanted to stop hurting. i started thinking about ways i could kill myself.

i sat my parents down on september 5th and told them how i was feeling. we made an appointment for me to start seeing a counselor.

September 11, 2001 - thousands of people died in the terrorist attack on the United States.

i recognized that the parts of my life that seemed cruel and overwhelming were minuscule compared to what had just happened to millions of people.

i met with the counselor until i moved in january. i worked hard. i learned techniques to help me sleep. i could see the light at the end of the tunnel. life was looking up.

now 11 years later, i've fallen into too much responsibility.

i have my families normal goings on. same as everybody. i have been helping out with the neighbor girl: feeding her when she asks, brushing her hair when her mom's too high to do it, giving her clothes  to wear. But my other neighbor had been carrying most of the day to day weight of caring for the girl. now the girl's mom has lost custody and the clueless grandpa is in charge. also the neighbor lady (who had been carrying the weight) left her husband and isn't around anymore.

now i have the little girl every weekday and i also have the teenage girl and elementary school-aged boys from the neighbor who left her husband.

i have 4 extra kids after every school day until after my own girls go to bed. and the neighbor girl has started coming over before school also.

I DID NOT OFFER TO DO THIS.

but when these kids (that are too young to care for themselves) knock on my door i let them in.

i'm afraid i'm heading down that same road again. i can see the signs. i need to get a handle on this now because i have people depending on me.

my oldest girl has started having notes sent home by her teacher. i forget to check if she has homework or ask what she did in school each day. i feel guilty that i only have a few minutes a day that are not dominated by someone else's kids. i'm not coping well.

i need to get a grip and stop crying long enough to tell these parents and guardians that i can't help them anymore. and i need to do it today.

crapity crap crap

i am very irritable lately. there are many possible reasons, but really it is because they are all compounding on each other.

1. i have less than 206 days until my best friend moves to St. Louis.
2. my parents' divorce is getting more real.
3. my neighbors are splitting up and i won't ever see their sweet boys again. also their mother will not be around to help me with the neighbor girl anymore.
4. i have been watching a neighbor girl because her mom is in rehab for meth and lost custody. she takes a lot of energy because she is coming out of a very sad and disgusting situation.
5. our potential move is up in the air and the not knowing is bothering me. 
6. i want to get more involved with the amazing church we go to, but my husband doesn't see the point since we may be trying to move this summer.
7. i know that this turmoil in my mind is a sign of where my relationship with God is right now, because none of these things are new but they are starting to really affect my mood.

i feel so blessed that i have my husband and kids and our family is functional and healthy. however, they are not filling the void i feel in my heart and i know why, but i haven't begun to do anything about it yet.

divorce, a story of love

My father was 19 and my mother 20 when they met on Midway Island, February 9, 1973. 

Mom was the only woman in the squadron training other Navy enlisteds on something to do with the P-3 Orion sub-hunters.

Dad was the only guy on the island who didn't drink gamble or cuss and offered to walk mom to her barracks. They ended up walking the beach and talking all night. Dad shipped out the next day.

They were married June 9, 1973. Four months to the day from when they met. Mom barely had time to sew her wedding dress.

Dad couldn't/wouldn't marry someone who wasn't a Christian, so mom studied up and was baptized at some point before the wedding.

It sounds like a fairy tale. If they had known each other for longer (or known themselves) things may have turned out differently. 

Dad was shipped out three weeks after the wedding and was gone for six months. The first three years of their marriage was spent this way.

When Mom got pregnant she was given an honorable discharge from the Navy and had my oldest brother. 

Dad's enlistment was up soon after. They had plans to use their GI bills and balance college classes with jobs and watching the baby, but on a visit to Mom's family in Nebraska Dad's fear of the unknown overwhelmed him and he took a job with an irrigation company. That job wasn't a good fit, so six months later he took a job with Burlington Northern Railroad. His electrical training in the Navy was valuable to the railroad and eventually he was able to work up to Signal Supervisor before he retired. However, in the beginning they were required to move often. Sometimes they averaged moving every 3 months, for 17 years.

During this time they added another boy. Mom wanted to try for a third baby, but it took 5 years for Dad to agree.

So six years after my brother, they had me.

From the outside they/we appeared to be and ideal family. Breadwinner, Homemaker, good strong Boys, and a little Girl. A Faithful Church-going family.

My brothers remember more than i do, but we don't talk about it. i only have snippets of memory and the stories to go by. 

My father was gone monday through friday for years because of the territory he worked on or was in charge of.

There was abuse. There was infidelity.

My mother was raised in an abusive household with a philandering gambling father and had absolutely no coping  mechanisms. Left alone in the plains of Nebraska she unwittingly repeated the pattern she had seen as a child.

Her actions are inexcusable, but in order to love her like God asks me to, I must excuse them. Learning not to repeat some of them is at least as hard.

The years have been hard. My oldest brother fell into drugs and trouble at 16, but was pulled out of it by his baby at 24. My middle brother struggled with anger in his adolescence and had a baby at 22, but is unbelievable successful now. I still get overwhelmed by anger with little warning, but i have the most amazing partner helping me grow in God.

My parents made it 39 years exactly before they decided to officially divorce. Things had been bad for a long time. I never remembered them being good.

My mother has been living as a single woman for a decade. Going to cancun with friends, going to clubs, hanging out with singles - except that she had a house-mate that paid the bills and (oh by the way) was her husband. 

Neither of them has worn a wedding ring for at least 15 years.

The reasons things went bad are complex. Both bear the responsibility for failing. Its easy to take the side of the one that never hit you and never cheated. But is that the best thing to do?

I hate the failure. I hate the fact that they won't let God win. I hate the situation, even though i have longed for it since i knew what divorce was.

it is exhausting to think about all of these things. i have more to write, but it will have to wait for another time.

8 out of 30

8) what are 5 passions you have?

• being an authentic disciple of Christ
• my marriage
• my kids
• art
• enjoying life

7 out of 30

7) what is your dream job, and why?


my dream job has always been teaching at a college or university level.


i adore the idea of choosing my own textbooks and watching the students' minds click when everything they learned in high school starts to click. 


i only have my bachelor's degree right now, so obviously i would have to get some higher education before i can make this a reality.

6 out of 30

6) what is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?


this question seems almost impossible to answer. who has not been through hard things? at the time didn't they all seem like the hardest thing you had been through?


in order to give some kind of answer, i will say my miscarriages. i lump them into one thing because they occurred within a 6 month period. the pain from the first one blurred into the second one and swallowed my life for over a year. 


up to the moment my youngest daughter was born i was convinced that i would never have another live birth.


i allowed the differences in perspective between my husband and i to become a wedge in our marriage for years. 


i have blogged extensively about this before, so i'll leave it at that.

5 out of 30

5) what are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?

1. my kids
2. my relationship with my husband
3. my friends
4. my dog
5. my church

4 out of 30

4) list 10 things you would tell your 16 year old self if you could

1. the world will not come crashing down if you fail.
2. yelling and at and arguing with people does not prove that you are tough, strong, or brave.
3. you are not the only virgin in high school.
4. you are good enough to be friends with the popular people.
5. you are good enough to try out for a solo.
6. your brothers will be alright.
7. college will be even better than you imagine.
8. drinking will not make things better, and it will be boring before you can do it legally.
9. in a few years (, days, minutes...) you're going to be really glad you didn't do anything with those boys. they aren't worth your heart or self-respect.
10. difficult times are just an opportunity to re-align your priorities and make sure you are on your right path.

3 out of 30

3) describe your relationship with your parents

well, this is a bit of a complicated topic and will require some historical info. my relationship with my parents today is much different than when i was a little girl. (that's not unusual, i know.)

from as early as i remember i have felt loved by my parents. i know they did their best raising me, and i have a greater amount of respect for them now that i am a parent myself.

that being said, we have not enjoyed much of a happy relationship. my father and i are close now, but it has taken years of hard work on both our parts to get to this point.

my mother and i struggle. i mentioned in my last post that my mother is an un-medicated bi-polar. she was diagnosed as manic depressive (the old school term for it) when i was ten, and then was on meds until i graduated high school.

when i was little i understood that i was very important to my family. my mother always talked about how she had longed for a third child for years before my father acquiesced. she made it clear that what i did throughout the day either made her day, or crushed her.
when i was 5 she threatened to commit suicide. my father took the only sick day of his 34 year railroad career. at the end of the situation she told me that the only reason she was not going to kill herself was because of me.

it is probable that these types of situations are why i was baptized at 6 years old, with a complete understanding (albeit at a six year old's level) of what i was doing and why.

i had no idea how to process this type of pressure. as i got older everything i did was to keep the peace and keep her happy. i mediated conversations, situations, and my fathers intentions. i was home schooled for 3 years and when my older brothers got home from school i would meet them outside and tell them what kind of day mom was having so they would know how to act around her. i took it upon myself to put a pill in her coffee or tea when i noticed that she skipped one.
she did not beat me like she did my brothers. there were only a handful of times when she lost it with me; one time throwing a pair of roller skates at me, another spanking me with a paddle until i wet my pants, smacking me when i flinched.
she hated my father, and even though they are still married, she still does. she talked to me constantly about their relationship and how horrible he was. by the time i was ten i thought he was a stupid, insensitive, jerk.

my brothers and i learned that anger is resolved through violence, and so we fought ferociously despite the 6 year age difference. i rarely told on them though, because watching them be punished was much worse than being beaten up by them.

10 years ago i met my husband and my world began to change. hundreds of conversations lasting well into the night led to (our marriage, but also...) a change in my view of my parents. i began to see that my mother did not have appropriate boundaries with me as a child. i should not have been responsible for her emotional state or weather or not she killed herself. sometimes i think God sent him to me specifically to end the generational cycle of abuse.

i love my mother, God loves my mother, God uses her to work in other people's lives. BUT, the more i grow as a mother and as a Christian, the less we are able to co-exist happily. she desperately wants me to be with her everyday and oversteps her bounds with my children at every opportunity. honestly, sometimes i am afraid she will try to run away with them. i absolutely HAVE TO have boundaries for the sake of my children. she perceives boundaries as messages of hate and disdain. she constantly accuses me of manipulating her, lying, and hating her.

i don't like having to talk to my kids or my nieces about what their grandma meant when she said she was going to go home and kill herself. i do not want them to have to deal with the emotions that come from that threat. but i also don't want to continue apologising for her. at some point (even though she is mentally ill) i want her to take responsibility for her actions and get help.

taking personal responsibility is very important to me, now. one of the most important turning points in my relationship with my father was when he apologized to me. he apologized for not having the guts to step in when he knew things were not good at home. he is a wonderful grandpa and we talk every few days about anything and everything.

writing this post has been exhausting. i spend most of my time consumed with my own blessings (lovely little girls and wonderful husband) and very little time thinking about the negatives in my childhood; until i'm confronted with it through because of a bad day, a neighbor or someone at the store hitting their kid. then it comes crashing down on me like a stack of bricks.

2 out of 30

2) Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.


i'm not really sure what would make a fear legitimate since i've not had many bad things happen to me, but here goes.


1. i'm terrified of being kidnapped (and the horrors i imagine would follow.) i don't think this is irrational or uncommon. it may explain my penchant for carrying knives and/or other weapons and why i recently started taking karate.


2. i'm afraid i'll do something stupid (like while hiking or canoeing) go into a coma and bankrupt my family because i don't have medical insurance. after typing this i really wish i had insurance because that just seems WAY too plausible.


3. i'm afraid of becoming a bad wife/mother/person. i'm afraid that at some point i will get tired of making an effort, succumb to my baser self, and not care that i disappoint or crush my husband and kids and God.


so far none of these have changed the way i live my life, for better or worse. i still hike (but when i can afford it i will have insurance), i don't avoid certain parts of town (i do keep my eyes open and trust my instincts, i'm not an idiot), and i continue to strive toward being who God wants me to be.

1 out of 30

so obviously i've not been blogging lately (you know, since march). so i found this list and decided to run with it.

1) list 20 random facts about yourself.

1. i really enjoy physical labor (roofing, building things, etc.)
2. i love art; looking at it or making it. its all good.
3. my mother is bi-polar and currently unmedicated
4. i love to watch competitive fights (MMA, boxing type stuff)
5. TV and eating are my coping mechanisms
6. i love hiking and being outside
7. i don't like direct sun; it hurts my eyes and head.
8. i love tattoos and would have a million, but i don't want them anywhere but my arms.
9. i have tried to learn the trumpet, flute, piano, but none successfully.
10. i don't care if people don't like me as long as i like who i am being.
11. i believe that my husband is the authority in my family.
12. i seriously love animals. i would have a million if i could afford them.
13. i love to read
14. i thought i would have more kids, but after losing 2 babies i'm terrified of getting pregnant.
15. i work very hard to avoid whatever might decrease my contentment with my life.
16. i hate poison ivy and even the thought of it makes my skin crawl.
17. if someone hurts me on purpose, i will drop them from my life if at all possible
18. i would like to someday adopt or do foster care because i believe every kid deserves to be loved.
19. i plan to someday be a college professor.
20. i think i would eat chinese food everyday if i could

30 things

so obviously i've not been blogging lately (you know, since march). so i found this list and decided to run with it.

30 Things

the list

1. List 20 random facts about yourself.
2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
3. Describe your relationship with your parents.
4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.
5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?
6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
7. What is your dream job, and why?
8. What are 5 passions you have?
9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.
10. Describe your most embarrassing moment.
11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.
12. Describe a typical day in your current life.
13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have.
14. Describe 5 strengths you have.
15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?
17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?
19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?
20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.
21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?
22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
23. List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.
24. Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.
25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?
28. What is your love language?
29. What do you think people misundertand most about you?
30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for.

i made this today after looking at some bracelets on Pinterest.
i'm blogging this photo, just so i can pin it ;-)

clothes

most of my clothes are hand-me-downs or thrift store finds.

this means that 80% of them fit poorly and/or are unflattering.

my clothing budget is about $1 a month, so replacing them is not an option. right now i am in the process of altering, tailoring, and painting them into something i like that i feel good wearing.

i plan on posting some before and after pictures, but don't hold your breath.

happy valentine's day

i talk too much

i interrupt

i don't....

do the dishes

do the laundry

feed the dog

pick up

clean

organize...

frequently enough

i'm too hard on the children

i'm too easy on the children

i'm too controlling

i take my husband for granted

i'm not a good cook

i complain

i'm lazy

i'm emotional

i watch too much TV

i don't do my job well enough

God loves me anyway.

mini portfolio

i've been doing a lot of painting lately, so i thought i would put up some photos of what i've been up to.

i love pink, but graffiti is always better

my team t-shirt for the upcoming MS walk

boring shirt, now cooler

that's me, really

i love a good salmon roll

daycare diaper bag

shirt for a friend

my oldest daughter, when she was 1 day old

Christmas ornament for a friend

Christmas ornament for our family

mural on a bathroom wall

the shed in my aunt's back yard

t-shirt for a friend's husband

Christmas card for my mom

variation on my tattoo

variation on my tattoos

boring t-shirt, now awesome

necklace for a friend (made with obsidian and vertebrae)

baby squirrel for a friend's baby