changes

it is amazing how easy it is to start relying on a person. how quickly you become dependent on the comfort and love that you feel.

then when it is taken away, or diminished, the feelings that arise are powerful.

my father is afraid to hang out with me for fear of my mother's wrath.

i have already "lost" my oldest brother to his fear of his wife. it is hard to fight back the anger that i may "lose" my father as well.

what is it about those women that paralyzes these men.

i tell myself, "its fine. i don't need them." but i want my dad and my brother to choose to spend time with me regardless of the consequences.

i want to yell and whine and cry and beg, but its useless. they are who they are and i cannot change anyone but myself. so, once again i will cut my heart out of the equation and choose to be satisfied with my one brother and his family, my husband and daughters, and (my chosen family) my friends.

Gratituesday

people have said to me, "you're so strong. i could never do that." "i don't know how you tell her no." "you did that by yourself? i'm not that strong."

i feel strong.

i feel like i could persevere through whatever is coming.

where does this strength come from? certainly not from me. i was not brought up to be a strong woman; at least not one with real strength.

the womanhood modeled for me was a blustery woman who never admitted fault or weakness. a woman who didn't need a man because they would just end up letting her down. a woman who hit others when frustrated or exasperated. these are the women in my family. the ones who believe that unless their strength was visible through violence or competitive drinking, it wasn't there.

the strength i long for is quiet. it is patient and kind; it doesn't envy or boast. it isn't rude or easily angered. it doesn't keep track of what wrongs have been done. it always trusts, hopes, and perseveres*. in other words it is love. God's Love.

it takes real, unconditional love to be strong. God's love going into a person, and being channeled to those around.

it takes love for my children to tell them "no" and set up boundaries for them and the people surrounding them.

it takes love to keep myself from talking about others.

it takes love to give the benefit of the doubt to someone, again.

it takes both love for God and an understanding of God's love for others.

so understand that my strength, whether it is the strength in my back and arms, the strength of my mind, or the strength in my heart, it is not of me or from me. it is from God through His love. And i thank Him.

*roughly 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

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