Perceived Control

I LOVE BABIES!

i absolutely love them. the way they smell, the wrinkles and peely skin when they are brand new, the sound they make when they are chugging their milk, the little noises they constantly make, their meaningful cries. i can't think of anything i don't love about babies. its part of the reason i do daycare.

i just don't want anymore of my own babies.

i say that while fully understanding that God is in control of how many babies i have and when i have them, and if God blessed me with another baby i wouldn't think twice before thanking Him for it.

its just that i like to feel like i have some say in the matter, so i've been on birth control off and on for the last 10 years. i quietly worry about the hormones and their effect on my system, and if i took all the pills, and if i took them all at the right time of day, and if i'm pregnant and just don't know it.

i've been trying to talk my husband into a vasectomy for over 2 years, but he's not in to the idea of a scalpel "down there."

so i'm thinking of permanently preventing my ability to conceive. its very exciting to me! BUT it inevitably brings to mind the question of who i am putting my faith in.

do i have a procedure done, or do i spend the next 15 years praying to not get pregnant?