my mother is not well. she is bi-polar; she has always gone through phases of severe depression, and is usually very manic (even when depressed). she works very hard to keep people from seeing her illness. she changes churches, and rotates friends to keep people thinking that she is anything but an energetic, spontaneous, person victimized by others.
she is horrible at boundaries and is unable (or unwilling, i can't tell) to remember many conversations about her boundaries and behavior. for the sake of my children i need to limit their exposure to her.
our relationship is very challenging.
this leaves me wondering about something else:
how do i distance myself from my mother without using anger as my courage?
i've been thinking for so long that she is stubborn and refuses to change. i am angry that she refuses to do anything to make her life better. angry that she talks change constantly, but DOES nothing. the reality is that she IS STILL bi-polar. just because she hasn't taken meds in 15 years does not mean she is cured.
the challenge continues to be talking to her about all this. i don't want to hurt her, but my responsibility isn't to her. i need to do what is best for my kids.
lately this has gotten even more complicated. my mother has asked my father to leave their house. i am furious about this.
she talks about God all the time; she claims to be very close to Him.
her actions betray her mindset.
it is impossible to love God with all your heart and also be full of anger and hate, "because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires." (James 1:20)
for weeks she has not been allowed to have unsupervised contact with my children. now i want to deny her any contact, but i have been praying that God show me appropriate boundaries with her, and He says that's too far.
i am extremely frustrated by her and my parent's situation. the most infuriating part is that there is no end to her saga. she will never be better; their marriage will never be like my in-law's marriage; i will never be free of her negative influence.
i will have to watch my own children for signs mental illness because of our genetics.
i have absolutely no idea how to glorify God in this situation. my attitude is not in line with "honor your mother and father" and i don't yet want to be in that mindset. i know that my attitude is dishonoring God and i am so sorry.
Dear God,
Guide me. Show me how to honor my mother. Give me the power to be strong for my children, and gentle with my mother's heart. Remind me to be humble and to give her the benefit of the doubt. Thank you for continuing to love me even when i blatantly disobey your Word. Please give me the grace to glorify you in this, and every circumstance.
Amen
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