What the heck?!

something happened last summer. my parents came to my house together to have a talk with me. but it was not the talk i expected.

for years i have thought (daydreamed?) about my parents splitting up. for me their divorce would be a relief, since i have always been, or felt, in the middle. but today they came to talk to me about staying together. not just staying together; that's what they have been doing as far as i can remember.

today they came and talked to me as a team. THEY were a team. they looked at each other. they used the word "together" and meant themselves, L and C, as a couple.

at one point my mom referred to something my dad had done as "sweet." i started crying because i had never heard her say anything like that, about dad, without sounding sarcastic or hateful.

that was the biggest change i saw.

since i was eleven i can only remember the invisible aura of hate surrounding mom when dad was in the room or even talked about. and i can only remember dad as being oblivious or ambivalent.

today i could see that there was no wall between them. they were both unsure, but not in a negative sense. they clearly have no idea what they are doing.

i was lost. who am i if not the peacemaker, and child of an unhappy marriage? i thought i was getting an ulcer. my husband had no idea why i was unsettled. i tried to explain to him that this is as weird as if his parents suddenly decided to get a divorce.

it could have been really great though; if it had lasted.

i still have some hope, but my mom seems back to her normal when it comes to her feelings about dad. the lasting changes have been my own. i am no longer my parents' mediator. and i have an even clearer idea of what i want for my own marriage.